Plans for Langport area found in 'small print'
The 2015 election bandwagon rolled on today with the UK Independence Party launching its manifesto. Editor of Levelling Langport magazine Andrew Lee was at the press conference. He's read the document and has uncovered several references to what Nigel Farage would do with the Langport constituency area, if he wins on May 7th. After a brief telephone call with Carry On Langport's editor and the promise of 'dinner' at The Langport Arms, Mr Lee agreed to share the information with us.
- Huish Episcopi and Langport border at Hanging Chapel to be closed to Somerton and Curry Rivel residents for 48 hours every Friday. (Freemasons climbing out of windows and shinning down drain pipes will be exempt.)
- Boilertec must abandon its plans to migrate out of the town (the business has been discretely moving along Bow Street towards the Post Office)
- Portcullis House residents must sing the national anthem every morning before breakfast (those who struggle to do so will be given viagra boosters to help them stand to attention)
- Any cattle heard mooing in Romanian or Polish at Romford Meats will be sent back to Calais.
- Any drivers going the wrong [European] way around either Kelways roundabout or Garden City Green will be ordered to do a DVLA 'driver awareness course' with John James
- No more 'dodgy French food' (UKIP's words) at The Kitchen (Bramble Travel if you're over 30). They may be popular, but UKIP will demand the award-winning establishment's croissants be known as 'suet slices' after May 7th.
- and finally, if UKIP wins the election, all Mary Coombes Health and Beauty customers must lie back and think of England before undergoing 'any' procedure.
Mr. Farage also unveiled his latest election poster, below, photographed from a P&O Ferry in the English Channel this morning.
