MIDWEEK BULLETIN:

 

[scroll down to last item for the Huish Church story]

'Mayhem' on the doors at Tesco

Langport Tesco has apologised after a technical problem with its doorway security scanners entered its 7th day.

It began on Thursday with alarms ringing almost every 30 seconds as shoppers arrived at and left the store.

"We think the settings changed by themselves" said a spokesman, "and the machines started scanning for hip replacements"

By lunchtime things had calmed down a bit but then the Portcullis House outing turned up at which point both door scanners caught fire.

A number of eyewitnesses said they tried to intervene to douse the flames but couldn't help, as the Langport supermarket had discontinued water for something more expensive that same day.

As far as we know the door scanners were still going off all day yesterday [Tues]

"Still no joy I'm afraid" said a member of staff, "now the settings have changed themselves again and the bloody things are scanning Langport customers' DNA for signs of inbreeding.....it's been going mental"

There are no further details.

😊

IN OTHER NEWS

A local photographer's been barred from uploading any further images to the Langport - Where It's To Facebook page.

"I was on the High Ham road where it swings off towards Pitney, turned around and just thought I'd capture the beauty of the view on film" said the local snapper.

Turns out he captured another beauty at the same time.....

[Even better if you turn the picture upright]

But several local people have sprung to the young photographer's defence with one Wearne woman saying it was a welcome change to looking out on Burton Pysent Monument every day.

😊

Fundraising Appeal 'nearly there'

The charity fund to send Langport's Friday market to Dignitas, the end-of-life clinic in Switzerland, has almost reached its target.

 

 

"Just look at the state of that" said local man Victor Meldrew at the event last Friday, "what's the bloody point, needs to be put out of its misery"

"Margaret and I love the town's other markets but this one really is piss poor", "there's more going on down at the Angel" he added.

[Oooooh....can of worms!]

Thank you Victor, we'll pass that on.

😊

 

Finally - troubling news from Huish Episcopi:

 

On a more serious note, two troubling items of news from St Mary's Church on the corner in Huish Episcopi.

Vandalism to the building's stained glass windows last year and again this year, and theft from inside, means the church is facing some large bills and difficult decisions.

CCTV is one option being considered, although it begs the question how that deters somebody wearing a hoodie.

One of the cameras being proposed might have to go up on the tree in the churchyard where one of the tower floodlights was installed 40 years ago....

 

 

....with church officials saying the two cannot run off the same power supply at the same time and so this floodlight may have to go, only leaving one on the church roof illuminating the tower from the other side.

Surely there's another way to sort this one out? Keep both tower floodlights and wire up CCTV?

The second piece of news from St Mary's is that the vicarage is going to be sold off either later this year or in 2025.

 

 

The Church of England's decided its cheaper to house our local vicar in something smaller.

None of the money from the sale [the size of the house and its garden would surely put it in the million quid plus region] is expected to come back to Huish Church.

That's the Huish church currently facing bills for stained glass window repairs and new CCTV.

Hardly seems fair.

If you'd like to comment, get involved in the conversation, provide some solutions to the church's current problems - or even grass up the bastards who've been smashing its unique windows  - do so in the comments section on the Carry On Langport facebook page.

To get a message to Huish Church officials, e-mail bountybar@hotmail.com and it'll be forwarded or do so through other channels.

To get a message to Church of England officials about not allowing our local church to benefit from the sale of its vicarage - you'll need to contact the Bath & Wells Diocese office in Wells.

[Let us know how you get on]

Thanks for the contributions and log in again soon!

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SPORTS NEWS:

 

Langport & District Scrambling Championships. 

This weekend: Cocklemoor.

A little note for our readers. This mess, to a lesser extent, happened this time last year. 

Causing at least one spring event to be relocated and a pretty mucky coronation party for the kids. 

But instead of ringing Edward Stokes Funfair in 2023 with an "any chance you could come later in the year when the ground's more solid?" call, absolutely nothing was done by our town council. 

And so here we are again folks, groundhog day. This, people, is who we pay a large chunk of our council tax to every month.

Anyone got Frank Spencer's number?

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THE LAST THING WE NEED!

 

Forget recently-granted permission for a 100-plus new housing estate near Kelways and our town's oversubscribed GP surgery and primary school and clogged-up roads. 

The local MP's got her priorities right, here she is on Facebook banging on about a railway station for the Langport & Somerton area. 

 Let's push up house prices and rents even higher shall we and draw even more traffic in!

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CARBOOT SALE ROW

 

[for all our new readers - some of whom still don't quite 'get it' - be sure to dose up with a kilo of salt before reading this one]

😊 

A row's broken out over who can and can't have a stall at the big Easter Sunday carboot sale in Huish Episcopi a week today.

Organiser Greg Bown [pictured and who's asked not to be named] risked being 'cancelled' last night after turning down a request for a sourdough bread stall at the event.

Known for his mild manner and diplomatic style, Mr Bown, who chairs the South Somerset Anti-Gentrification League, told reporters anyone wanting to sell middle class bollocks could "f**k off"

"I don't want painted bathroom tiles, designer doormats or cupcakes either" said the 44 year-old from his office at Socialist Worker Magazine.

The Langport man, who also chairs the Sleep in a Pub Club and the Justice for Priest Lane Society, says the carboot sale is a purely working class event and that anyone attempting to sell a vintage watering can for 45 quid should "bugger off back to the town hall"

That's us told then.

There are no further details.

 

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Your Sunday Report:

Not over there! Over here!

 For some months now there's been talk of tree planting on the big empty moor - North Moor - behind Langport, where the viaduct is.

 

 

Perhaps plant some native trees, like withies, to break it up a little - carefully avoiding powerlines but providing some much needed shade for cattle who during our summer heatwaves have nowhere to go.

 

 

And so there were nods of approval when it was heard recently that the trees had been acquired and plans were well underway to have them dotted around, even form a small copse on the land.

Great news, but it now looks like someone must have had the map the wrong way round.

 

 

Planting work's now underway on the Avenue side of the viaduct, completely neglecting the original hopes for North Moor....look through the arches and you can see the preparations.

 Questions have been asked about why they're being planted totally out of sight "over there" and not "over here" on bleak old North Moor but in the words of one critic....

"It was like talking to a brick wall"

Well yes, that does happen a lot around Langport. You wanna hear what used to go on up Priest Lane.

 Hey ho, there ya go. Trees in the wrong place are still better than no trees at all eh!

😊

 IN OTHER NEWS

Still no word on when Langport Ploughing Match is likely to come to an end in the town garden: 

*****

The Dolphin's finally been sold! 

 

The listed price was £400,000 - and for those of us who've never peeked round the back, look how much is behind those gates:

Definitey room for a few more cafes and hair salons in there.

The sale of the Dolphin comes as Bow Street's soon-to-open new pub, The United, announces a change of name.

'The Two Yews' as it will now be known, says it's already started hiring staff.

*****

For those of us still baffled as to what Langport Town Council spends its slice of our monthly council tax on, are you doing anything on Tuesday night?

 

 Maybe pop down and ask!

 

*****

ALSO TODAY:

 Locals say, thanks to this new poster:

 

 

...they're finally beginning to get to grips with when and what Langport's market days are.

Notice the absence on the poster of the Friday one, that's the one when apart from the curry vendor, only about 2 stalls turn up.

 

  

[the only picture we could find of tumble weed - taken up the sports club after a footy match recently]

P'raps not bother with that Friday market eh - hardly worth it.

 Keep the Spice & Rice curry people though, they're a welcome sight [and smell!] on a Friday morning!

*****

and finally...

 

Two weeks today!

The signs are up, the pub's got a band booked for the afternoon, now all we need is your junk and the punters!

It's a fiver per plot, stallholders should turn up anytime after 10am and be set up by 11:45am for a midday start.....and please stay until at least 3pm

👍

That's your Sunday bulletin folks, thanks for the contributions and log in again soon!

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Clarification:

Re: Carry On Langport's last story about a possible new fence to keep cattle off the gravel path on North Moor...

A handful of people have frantically messaged in to ask where exactly it would be. 

It is indeed very technical yes. 

We hope this diagram may help you understand where any new barrier might be located:

 

That's it for today folks!

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"We're gonna build a wall!"

Well, no, just a fence actually.

Plans appear to be in the pipeline to construct a fence along the entire stretch of this footpath on North Moor.

Quotes have been asked for to construct the barrier along the route which stretches from the river bank to the wooden footbridge that leads to Tesco.

A handful of theories are being put about.

One, that someone's complained about cow pats on the path (surely that's part of the charm?), two that someone's complained about cows chasing children and/or dogs or three - and this one may indeed hold some merit - that farmers whose cattle graze the land are concerned they may have legal action taken against them if their animals were to attack the footpath's users.

 

 

We'll let you lot argue out the rights and wrongs of the plan.

Carry On Langport has its own ideas.

Mainly that any barrier would help stop the hooray Henries from Combe and Aller walking across and getting in to the town to buy sourdough bread and shabby chic furniture without a permit.

The proposals also beg the question: who's going to pay for it? Not Langport council tax payers surely who are about to face yet another increase in what the town council asks every month from our hard-earned wages?

One final thought, if a fence is to go up, let's have a string of turnstiles along it eh.

Even if they do allow Aller and Combe residents in, we still need access to the moor right?

All food for thought!

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Thursday Bulletin:

 

In the news today....

 We understand the Highways Agency has announced plans for banners to go up in part of Langport town centre with large clear directions to the nearby car park. 

A spokesperson said they hoped drivers dropping off duvet covers and a saucepan to the charity shops on Cheapside - causing tailbacks to Curry Rivel - might see them. 

 😊

There are unconfirmed reports that being a working class event - an event for the masses - organisers of the Easter Sunday carboot sale at the Rose & Crown have ruled that the sale of shabby chic furniture will be prohibited.

"We think we'll also be banning sour dough bread" said a spokesman, "but despite rumours to the contrary, Freemasons selling hot tub parts are most welcome."

 😊

Another apology's come in from Langport Tesco after it emerged 5 checkouts were open during the after-school rush one day last week.

 "We're very sorry" said the current manager "it really should have only been 2 when we're that busy"

😊

and finally...

For anyone new to the area who's never been up or down it, we thought we'd better let people know what's actually on Priest Lane:

 

This photograph was taken before the wall collapses and closure.

Although it may be somewhat out of date by now. 

It's thought many of the pictured buildings have since been converted to hair salons to make up for the shortage in the main part of the town.

😊

That's your Thursday bulletin folks, thanks for the contributions and log in again soon!

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SUNDAY BULLETIN:

Despite concerns there were none left, the Halfway House at Pitney announced last night that yes, it had found one last jar of pickled eggs in the back storeroom.

There are no further details.

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Midweek Bulletin:

 

 

ALLER CABLE CAR PLANS TAKING SHAPE

Proposals to create an overhead transport link between Aller and Bowdens took a step forward this week when the Civil Aviation Authority approved the application.

Building for the cable car, to help drinkers get between the Old Pound Inn and the clubhouse bar at Bowdens Crest without having to get behind the wheel, may begin as soon as this summer.

 The caravan park has denied claims it's trying to become a ski resort 'via the back door'.

"Rubbish" said a spokesman, "the cable car plan will simply help us carry on doing what we already do very well: providing somewhere to drink for people banned from pubs in Aller, Middlezoy and Westonzoyland."

There are no further details.

 IN OTHER NEWS

 Police in Langport breathed a sigh of relief today after fears a new NHS dentist opening in the town would trigger scenes similar to the chaos seen in part of Bristol this week when one opened there. 

But as soon as news got round where the new business was, nobody bothered...

 

 

Meanwhile...

There's been anger, disbelief, shock and horror among the Langport business community this month after it emerged these recently vacated premises would not become another hair salon.

"I think it's disgusting" said a spokesman for the Langport Area Business Group, "with so few salons in the town and so many people waiting for appointments....many Langporters are already being forced to go private"

The government says it's investing £250,000 into hair dressing in the town and it's hoped another 17 NHS salons may be open by the summer bringing the total to 448.

No, sorry, make that 449....another one's just opened in the old Lloyds Bank premises on the corner.

 😂

and finally...

 

The recently formed Langport & Huish Anti-Gentrification League says it now has five and a half thousand members.

The group - which wants all newcomers with big houses and room for a pony to use Chubbies at least twice a month and stop asking where the nearest John Lewis is - meets at the roughest pub it can find once a month.

 

 

That's it for the moment folks, log in again soon

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Din Dins!

 

Many thanks to Somerton all round good chap Dave W and Langporter Greg B for making, donating and installing new bird boxes for the gardens behind the town hall in Langers.

Asked whether he approved, the local moggy [pictured] said as long as Persimmon Homes weren't involved - he was sure his dinner would move in soon.

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Sunday Bulletin:

 

 Let's take a look back at what was making the headlines across the shire this month!

In no particular order....

 

MELTDOWN!

 

 

Forget Gaza and Ukraine.... local facebook pages and other social media platforms went in to meltdown on Wednesday night this week when someone let 8 fireworks off over Langport.

There was so much reaction that by 9 o'clock that night Google, Microsoft and Apple say they all had to reboot their servers for south west England.

Unicef and the Red Cross say they expect their aid workers to be in the town until at least Tuesday.

There are no further details.

In other news....

 

 

DISGUSTING

The Mayoress of Curry Rivel [pictured] plus several other local dignitaries had to be treated for disgust back at the start of this month when the village's community facebook page was hacked.

A number of images were posted on to the site which Carry On Langport has decided are far too fiesty to show again here.

They included photographs of back alleys, passages and cul de sacs in Curry Rivel....one even showed somebody pruning a bush in Chatham Place.

Local police, in Wincanton, say they're investigating the incident.

 

ANYONE GOT A MAGNIFYING GLASS?

The post office inquiry this week heard evidence that the fault-prone Horizon computer system has affected other businesses across England including a handful in Langport.

Somerset Cakehouse, the town's newest bakery, says it's tried repeatedly to increase the font size on its price labels but still can't make them readable.

"Until we get it fixed" said a spokeswoman, "we'll be offering magnifying glasses to customers on the door"

Langport Tesco, however, has denied rumours that it's been using Horizon software after at least 300 products had their prices doubled or were discontinued last year.

"No no no" said a spokesman, "we do that anyway"

 

NEW BUSINESS OPENING?

 Looks like we might be getting a new music, food & drink venue in town this year.

There are unconfirmed reports that the former Every Cloud shop premises on Bow Street [opposite Parrett Deli & Dine] have been bought.

'Northway Nights', a chain of strip clubs across the Midlands, is expected to open sometime this spring.

There are no further details.

 

About time!

8 years, a handful of different town clerks and 50,000 gallons of rain water later.....the holes in the town hall roof were finally dealt with this month when a handful of loose slates were slid back in to place.

It took less than an hour.

 Well done to all concerned!

👍

 

Finally....

 

It's that time again folks, there will be a car boot sale on the field at the Rose & Crown in Huish Episcopi on Easter Sunday 31st March .

Stallholders - no need to book, pay a fiver on the day and be there set up and ready to go for a midday start. It'll run til 3, stay longer if you want.

👍

That's your Sunday bulletin folks, thanks for the contributions and carry on reading!

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😊

NEW YEAR'S HONOURS:

 

OBEs, BCGs & CSEs handed out across Langport

 We're delighted to report that King Charles III has recognised a number of local people and businesses for their contribution to public life throughout 2023.

The new year's honours include:

For Services to ditches, streams and rhynes in the Somerton & Frome Constituency - Sarah Dyke 

For Services to Langport Town FC - The Black Swan

For Services to the Black Swan after a footy match up the rec - the Sports Club

For Services to Langport - the two or three town councillors who are ever seen to be doing anything useful

For Services to Curtain Twitching & Keeping Garden City folk in line for over 90 years - Joan Wybrow

For Services to over-subscribed schools, an overwhelmed GP surgery and congested local roads - the Somerset Councillors who have just voted through 100 new homes on land in Huish Episcopi 

 For Services to our fond primary school memories of the 1970s - Mrs Derham

For Services to not getting a doctor's appointment even though you've just been run over by a tractor and you're on fire - the receptionists at Langport Surgery

For Services to the Museum Industry - the empty shop opposite Fosters

For Services to discontinuing everything we ever found useful and cheap - Langport Tesco

For Services to the wonderful sight of a union flag flying over our town off the church tower roof - The Friendly Society

For Services to keeping us all up to scratch on what's going on in these 'ere parts - The Langport Where It's To facebook page

For Services to giving us all a good laugh - everyone on the 'Somerton Say What You Want' facebook group [it really is priceless] 

For Services to trying to understand why Langport has about 6 different markets instead of one dirty great big one all on the same day every month - the stallholders who keep the faith [excluding the one who thinks he owns the place and causes all the trouble]

 For services to a damned good carvery (even though they shut the front door too early) The Langport Arms

and

For Services to Ladies of the Night while Priest Lane remains closed - Cartgate Picnic Area

 

 

And those, dear readers, are our local recipients of the new year's honours.

Congratulations to all of them.

Thank you for reading this year and keep the contributions coming in 2024.

oh and

GOD SAVE THE KING!

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Happy Christmas Folks!

And here's a brief look at some of the local stories making the news this Christmas Eve:

 

What's Up Doc?

'Doc Martin' star visits Langport.

Actor Martin Clunes is believed to have been seen 'in cognito' in a handful of Langport town centre stores last week.

The 62 year-old and his wife Phillipa, who were disguised as town councillors so they wouldn't be recognised, were nevertheless spotted by fans a number of times in Bow Street.

- and in a fine example of life imitating art, it's emerged Mr Clunes - now retired from acting - has recently applied to work at the GP surgery on North Street.

He even walked in to the premises and asked at reception if they had an interview date yet but was told nothing would be available until April. 

 😊

 

Anyone for Vertigo?

A Spanish firm which runs cable cars up and down volcanoes on the Canary Islands has confirmed it's put in a bid to build a link between Picts Hill and Bow Bridge.

HangingByAThread.Com, which is based in Madrid but has an office in Curry Rivel, says it hopes to have it up and running before the new housing estate just up from Kelways Roundabout completely shafts the town's traffic system.

 

[Artist's impression of Kelways Garden Centre staff trying to get home on the proposed new transport link]

Other town facilities like the primary school and doctor's are also bracing themselves to be utterly buggered by the new development.

"Depending on whether they're on fire or not, non-urgent patients may have to be treated in tents in the garden and after a 3-month wait" said a receptionist at Langport Surgery, "but only if they come in and tell me what their problem is first, in a loud clear voice so that everyone in the waiting room can hear" she added.

No change there then.

 

😕

 

PHOTO APPEAL

Historians are again turning to Carry On Langport readers in an attempt to dig out any long-lost unseen photographs of the town and its people.

A handful of rare images have already been sent in including a night in 1983 when the Freemasons parked properly around the Hanging Chapel, a picture of North Street back when cars used to move in both directions at the same time before the pavement was widened and going back further still - a blurred image of a portion of chips at the Wayside Cafe without cigarette ash in.

 "We're hoping for even more rare gems this time round" said a spokeswoman for Langport Hysterical Society, "if anyone's got any pictures of Langport Town FC players using the sports club for post-match drinks that would be fantastic"

[Editor's Note: the contributor of the last line in this piece was keen to make clear this is aimed at the club not at the players. Sounds complicated and very political, we'll let you lot fathom that one out!]

😊

 

Confidential Langport GP Surgery documents found on park bench:

PATIENT: Priest Lane

AGE: Several centuries

CONDITION: Piles.

TREATMENT: Sort ownership, insurance, legal issues, health & safety.

EXPECTED RECOVERY TIME: With regular doses of Daktacourt & Proctosedyl, 3 years.

NOTES: Town Council involved? Double expected recovery time.

 

😊

  

AND FINALLY SOME NEWS JUST IN:

Hotel guest on way back up to room at Langport Arms accuses friend of putting magic mushrooms in carvery...

 

 

 

😊

That's it for this Christmas Eve folks. Thanks for the heads-up on a handful of these 'stories' and 

keep'em coming in 2024. 

 

Merry Christmas!

 

From all the staff at the Carry On Langport offices!

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Ludicrous:

 

 

Here we go again!

Despite well over a hundred online objections, Somerset Councillors have again voted through new housing for Huish Episcopi.

100 new homes on land just up from Kelways Roundabout on the field on the left in the Somerton direction.

Just the tip of the iceberg probably, the homes proposed only take up a small slice of the plot.

The LevellerLive website has a report on this week's meeting.

It appears to concentrate more on the 'loss of farmland' rather than the obvious: the already overwhelmed doctor's surgery and overcrowded roads.

Still worth a look though, here's the link:

CLICK HERE FOR LEVELLER ARTICLE 

If we are to get even more homes, let's hope we get something better built and sweeter on the eye than the lego that went up opposite the Kelways Inn eh.

Think traffic's already bad through Langport? Wait til this lot go up.

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Really?

YAWN

The 'how will we ever survive without a train station' brigade are at it again folks.

The lack of progress on the proposals for one somewhere in the Langport and Somerton area has prompted one leading local newspaper to report that we're now apparently all 'concerned' about it.

Really?

Check out the opening paragraphs of a story from the Leveller this week:

 

And we can confirm concern is still growing:

 

Pictured: Langport residents being concerned near our stationless railway line this week

 

Alright, let's put our cards on the table:

Carry On Langport has never shied away from the opinion that the creation of a 21st century (not quaint 19th century) railway station here would be a catastrophe for the area.

With Langport or Somerton on the national rail timetable up would go house prices and rents making it even more difficult for locals to stay in the areas where they and their loved ones were brought up.

Take the centre of Langport for example, riddled with both comfortably-off residents who rent and own and not so comfortably-off residents who rent and own. Locals and their homes and their bank balances come in all shapes and sizes.

Stick us on the national rail timetable and you can say cheerio to that economic diversity.

One reason we all like living around here is maybe because there isn't a railway station. We are, just about, still off the beaten track. Part of what makes it special and why so many people move here.

So while this blog has always admired the quantity and content of the Leveller's writing on local issues, putting the once glorious Western Gazette to shame, on this one I'm afraid we can't agree.

[Now watch me get shot down in flames in the comments section on Carry On Langport's facebook page] 

 

 That's your Tuesday night sermon over and done with folks, sleep well and try not to be too concerned about no progress being made on the new train station project.

It's when progress is made you need to start worrying!

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