What's in the stars this week?
ARIES. Don't be fooled by the men in your life who say they are "just popping down the One Stop to get some milk". Since when has the Black Swan had sliding automic doors on the front? It's time to confront him.
AQUARIUS. As Uranus passes over Langport Surgery, be sure to tell Dr Balai how many vindaloos you've had from Cardamom this week - the pain may get so great you may have to drop your trousers for some private emergency treatment at the BUPA clinic at Cartgate Picnic Area.
CANCER. A joke you played earlier this month may come back to haunt you this week. If only you hadn't done that in the vicar's hollyhocks, why couldn't you have at least used some binder twine? - and don't walk up Priest Lane after dark.
GEMINI. The blemishes on your waning moon wouldn't look so bad if you hadn't sat on the Aga at Kelways last Saturday night. Try rubbing oil into the affected places. The boys at Chubby's might be able to help, tell them you want your nuggets redone.
CAPRICORN. What do you get if you cross a cucumber with a Battenberg Cake? A jolly good night at the Tesco 'staff training' session in the canteen on Sundays. You'll get a nice surprise if you go along next Sunday....unexpected totty in bagging area.
LIBRA. Things you didn't get off your chest last time really need to be vented this time. Don't take any bull, talk common sense and bugger all the red tape - and that means you councillor. Don't bend over in the town garden after dark.
LEO. Don't be swayed by new rumours about selling your premises. Stick to your guns and make sure you get a good deal. Your carveries are great, you may want to put a bit more broccoli on the plate though. Don't feed any town councillors after midnight.
VIRGO. You're spending too much time looking for Mr Right...I mean you may as well be looking for the bar at Eli's. Maybe just be satisfied with some no strings fun? Try walking up Priest Lane after dark.
SCORPIO. Life without a dream is a bit like Tesco without its 'reduced items' shelf....nothing to look forward to. Don't give up, persevere....and one day you'll get out of Langport and across the border into Huish Episcopi.
PISCES. Pendra's haddock should put you right this week. Ignore your wife's constant nagging, give her a savaloy...that should shut her up.
SAGITTARIUS. Your identity crisis won't settle down until you are honest with yourself about who you really are. So throw caution to the wind, ignore what the papers are saying, put on your best leather gear and get down to Bike Night at Eli's...before it's too late.
TAURUS. It's been a bad few weeks...but these things are sent to try us. How were you to know it was going to be so windy? Nobody told you that 3 tent pegs weren't really enough to secure the cream teas marquee at Drayton Air Day. Uranus moving across the moon this week means that your erections can only get better.
More horoscopes next month!
More horoscopes next month!
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