Midweek Bulletin

Drivers flock to Shires Garage to try out new pumps...

The Rose & Crown says record numbers of Langport refugees fled to its grounds last Saturday to escape "something going on in Bow Street"...

The new 'Jungle' refugee camp at Eli's

and with the general election just days away, Somerset's 8 Tory party candidates admit they can't spell 'conservative'...

Somerset Young Conservatives, 2017

That's it for now - more news later in the week

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Here we go...

 It's that time of year again folks

One of the oldest and few remaining Friendly Societies in the UK marches around Langport and Huish Episcopi today (Sat)

The walkers will follow Kingsbury Town Band and stop off for 'the odd drink' at pubs and a number of private addresses.

They also call in at Portcullis House old people's home at Eastover where they often join residents for Saturday morning leapfrog.

Simon Martin, Nik Bown & Nick Holland at last year's game

 Money raised on route and at the annual dinner at the Langport Arms goes towards a number of good causes.

Local police (in Wincanton) say they hope there's no repeat of last year's incident...when 'slightly confused' march leader Phil Cullen - who's asked not to be named - forgot he'd already gone down Bow Street once....did a u-turn at Post Office Corner and did it all over again.

"Wait til he sees the Post Office has moved" said Mr Cullen's wife, "that'll bugger him up completely"

Even the Town Council's stepped in to make sure the marchers know where they're going - this sign has been put up in Whatley:

- and a noise abatement order has been issued against Society President Mr Billy Langford who last year attempted to sing the Grange Hill theme music whenever he saw anyone he went to school with (every ten minutes)

Mr Langford has also responded to allegations that some of the walkers would be going up a Priest's Lane this year,

"that's after the annual dinner" he said.

- and in a first for 'club day' this year: the band will be playing The Death March as it passes NatWest Bank.

St Mary's Church at Huish Episcopi will be ringing its bells just after 8 o'clock this morning to start the day.

Give the march a clap and a cheer when they pass by....and please give generously.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

 

Is the man in your life going out drinking all day tomorrow for charity? Come and see our selection of mops and buckets for when he gets home.

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CRASH MATS BROUGHT OUT

 

 ...for anniversary 'buffet assault' gig at Pitney Village Hall...

Crash mats are being nailed to the floor at Pitney Village Hall today in preparation for the dance there tomorrow night. 

There's live music with Chris Jagger's Kronies and special guests Johnny Butten and Kit Morgan.

 It was at this event, one year ago, when two local men - pictured - caused chaos when they danced into a village elder, catapulting her into the trestle tables supporting the buffet.

Vivien Winterburn, who chairs the village hall committe, spent 7 hours embedded in a bowl of coleslaw before being removed by Somerton Fire Brigade.

"I've never had so much fun" she later told reporters.

Her attackers went on the run for 3 months before being apprehended in a tent at Thorney Lakes where they were found 'fishing for cod'

Footage (below) of what quickly became known as 'Buffetgate' soon went viral on You Tube:

Miss Winterburn has since made a career out of her ordeal, landing several major book deals.

'101 Ways to Pick Sliced Carrot and Onion Out of your Armpits' has already sold 3 million copies and her film 'One Flew Over The Chicken Drumsticks' is out in the autumn.

Tomorrow night's anniversary gig kicks off at 7.30pm, tickets are available from the Halfway House, The Coleslaw Appreciation Society or on the door if still available.

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   BBQ this and every Sunday at Thai Mango, Langport!

Serving between 12.30 & 3pm

Open from midday.

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and on Sunday night up at Langport rec'...

Members free - guests £3 on the door - don't miss it.

Eavesdropping...

 

 Overheard in waiting room at Langport Surgery this week...

While browsing through 8 year-old magazines in the waiting room at the doctor's on North Street earlier this week...a member of our news team picked up this little gem:

Marjorie: You're sitting funny Ethel.

Ethel: Oh Marjorie, it's been awful. That bulge has taken on a life of of its own.

Marjorie: Don't cry dear, what is it then?

Ethel: I think I've actually grown a penis dear.

Marjorie: What?

Ethel: I know! I think it might be the steroids I've been taking.

Marjorie: Anabolic?

Ethel: No dear, just a penis.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com 

   BBQ this and every Sunday at Thai Mango, Langport!

Serving between 12.30 & 3pm

Open from midday.

Tel: 01458-252885

NatWest Bank

"How can we improve our service?"

Anyone who's used the Langport branch of NatWest recently will be surprised by the current wording in a customer feedback survey which hints that it would like to 'improve our experience' at the bank.

 What about not closing this autumn and abandoning the thousands of people and businesses who rely on having a branch closer than Street?

There's some feedback for you NatWest.

 As reported in Levelling Langport magazine this month, some local politicians like town councillor Ian McNab are refusing to let the matter lie and challenging the powers that be at NatWest about the pending closure.

Mr McNab is also asking every prospective parliamentary candidate for our constituency in the June 8th election what they will be doing about it.

"Not a lot" said the cleaner at David Warburton's Somerset home, "he goes to bed every night dreaming about opening a new railway station at Langport"

Indeed, those campaigning to have a new railway station in the Langport area have released this 'shocking' map to show how 'poorly served' our part of Somerset is by the national railway.

Just look at how far people from Langport have to travel to get to a station...some of them are 20 minutes away...outrageous. How on earth have we managed since the 60s?

Forget the railways...could we have a permanent bank first please Mr Warburton?

 That's all for now - more news and comment as it comes in.

 carryonlangport.blogspot.com

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From Our Readers...

 

We strive to publish all correspondence with Carry On Langport but will refuse to print anything abusive or threatening.

________________________________________________

Dear Carry On Langport,

Print anything like that again and we'll knock yer teeth out.

Yours,

Somerton Rugby Club

**********

To the Editor,

Could your blog make it clear to local walkers that unless they've committed a crime, absolutely nobody is allowed into the grounds of Langport Prison - especially that little bit of the river bank we mow and think is ours...you know...the land which leads past our premises and up to The Wharf.

Recently a young boy being chased by a group of Bridgwater teenagers tried to get over our gate and we had to kick him out despite his moment of need.

The gate there clearly reads "Private Property"

At Langport Prison (pictured) rules are rules I'm afraid...whatever the S.O.S maybe.

Yours faithfully,

The captain of the SS Californian

**********

 Dear Sir or Madam,

Every weekend my husband and I drive through your town of Langport on our way to our second home down in Devon. To pass the time, we often play 'I spy' with the children as we go by.

Could I just say how much fun we've been having going through North Street in recent weeks. 

All the best,

Name & address provided.

**********

To whom it may concern,

At the recent Langport Town Assembly meeting, a member of the public sitting next to me in the audience - seeing how many projects and ideas the 'cash-strapped' town council had - asked its leader why councillors couldn't "just run the town" instead of constantly looking for new ways to spend our money.

Myself and several hundred other council tax payers in Langport couldn't agree more. Which is why - months after our part-time town clerk gets a new paid assistant to help him - we are puzzled to see an advert in the local press looking for even more staff. Now it's a 'Project Development Support' officer on a self-employed consultancy basis. More expense.

Is there a pot of gold hidden somewhere in the town hall?

"There's certainly a crock of something" said one of our Whatley sources.

As the lady sitting next to me said at the town assembly at The Wharf that evening a few weeks ago: can't they just run the town?

Apparently not and we look forward to the town council's next 'big project'...a chocolate fireguard shop under the clock and a Dodo colony on Langport Moor.

Rant over. Many thanks.

A Langport Council Tax Payer

(£87 per month - one bedroomed flat - no garden - single person occupancy)

**********

To the News Team,

Is that a typing mistake in Levelling Langport magazine this month?

My wife and I always appreciate the thorough quality of its reporting but the article by Mr Lansdown about the Green Scythe Fair on page 28 surely can't be right.

Unless I am reading it wrong - a single person turning up in his or her car [alone] will have to pay ten pounds to get into this year's event?

This is surely a printing error?

Or could it be that as it gets more and more successful....the Green Scythe Fair has begun to show signs of what we in the west country call 'slightly up itself' syndrome?

Please clarify.

Many thanks.

Mr and Mrs Saunders
The Stationary Cupboard
Huish Academy

**********

 Dear Carry On Langport,

In response to a recent article on your blog about how our business could be a 'gold mine' if we tweaked our opening hours slightly:

No....we have absolutely no idea why we don't open before 9 o'clock in the morning.

Your readers may also be interested to know that a business which once stood on this site used to sell black-out curtains.

It too was often closed...between 1939 and 1945.

Many thanks.

Yours faithfully,

A bakery in the centre of Langport.

************************* 

If you have any correspondence, send it in via the Facebook Page or dig out the news team in their usual haunts.

More letters to the Editor later in the summer. 

 carryonlangport.blogspot.com

 Flagstone Restoration

Breathing new life into your flagstone floor across Somerset, Dorset & Devon.

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Monday Bulletin

Royal Mail finally removes wrapping and unveils 'brand new' local pillar box...

Brilliant.

Meanwhile, down on Langport Moor: Local horse held hostage by 'grazing rights' campaigners...

- back in town, locals run for cover as 'Ghost of North Street' reappears...

- and local police (at Wincanton) say "the net's closing in" on this thief, captured on CCTV making off with the till at The Kelways Inn over the weekend...

That's it for this evening - more news as it comes in.

 carryonlangport.blogspot.com


DATE FOR YOUR DIARY

Members free - Guests £3 on the door. 

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NHS cyber attack hits Langport Surgery

  

 Chaos at dispensary

Langport's GP surgery is among dozens of NHS outlets around the UK this weekend struggling to rid itself of a 'malware' virus which has infiltrated its dispensary computers. It's reported the system has been sending false E-mails and text messages to dozens of patients.

"We knew something was wrong when 5 residents at Portcullis House old people's home at Eastover turned up for breast reduction therapy" said Doctor Balai, as he explained to a Wearne woman that - no - she didn't have crabs.

25 Garden City residents were sent tubes of Daktacourt, one of the leading haemorrhoid creams, while a woman at Moor Park Road was booked in for 'tattoo removal' therapy.

Huish Episcopi residents have also been hit. No methadone's been delivered to Wagg Drove since Thursday morning and the vicar only got a prescription for 8 cases of gin last night instead of the usual 13.

Up at Langport Scout hut, instead of an NHS DVD on family planning, the children sat down for an hour and a half and watched Carry On Matron.

- and the entire town council were wrongly sent the viagra prescription which was meant for the staff party at Tesco this weekend.

"I didn't mind" said the town clerk, "my members were delighted"

Doctor Balai told Carry On Langport that he hoped to put right all the mistakes but added that the Moor Park Road tattoo removal issue wasn't actually an error.

"The woman in question had asked for Langport clock on her left buttock but it ended up looking more like a swastika" he explained.

Reports of other blunders are still coming in.

There are no further details.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

   BBQ this and every Sunday at Thai Mango, Langport!

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Open from midday.

Tel: 01458-252885

***

According to Google Statistics, so far in 2017 Carry On Langport has been getting around 2000 views per week.

You too can advertise here with a photograph of your business, staff, product, calling card or works van.

We'll also add a link to your website.

- and the beauty of blogging is that you can change your ad' at a moment's notice for things like promotions, sales and special offers.

How much does it cost? Much much less than you think for such regular local exposure.

Get in touch via Carry On Langport's Facebook page or find a member of the news team in the usual haunts.

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MORRIS DANCING

 Black Swan - tonight

Langport's only pub will be all bells, handkerchiefs and baseball bats this evening (Thurs) as a ring of local Morris Dancers turns up to celebrate Somerset Day.

Here at Carry On Langport we had no idea Somerset had a 'day'.

"Never heard of it" said Huish Episcopi Parish Council Leader Dame Shirley Nicholas, "as far as I'm concerned it's Somerset Day everyday!" she smiled...as she rolled up her binder twine, pushed her deputy Graham Lock's trousers through her mangle and put her goat out to graze at St Mary's Park.

The dancers will be strutting their stuff at the North Street pub from 7.30pm with the first 'handkerchief fight' expected to break out towards 9 o'clock.

The landlady has reportedly promised to "unplug the tumble drier" for the duration of the event but added she couldn't guarantee she'd be able to do the same for her husband.

There are no further details.

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 Carry On Langport is currently averaging out at about 2000 views per week. For a small fee, you too can advertise here...and it's cheaper than the Blue Sheet.

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Scarecrow Update

 Local crows 'traumatised' as RSPB seals off Muchelney

Muchelney scarecrow competition results were announced at the weekend as hundreds of the birds were found dead in the grounds of the Abbey this morning.

Several homes took part in the contest which saw straw bales of all shapes and sizes appear around the village decorated as police officers and cyclists etc.

The winning entry was this one - above - put in by the Whitehead family and called 'What happens next?'

(no idea...you can show us that next year)

Meanwhile John Leach and Julian Temperley, both of whom entered the competition as themselves, came joint second.

Unfortunately, Mr Nicholas Ostroumoff - who runs Muchelney Forge and who also went as himself - was disqualified when 3 immigrant families from Jersey fell out of his beard during judging.

 "Overall it was a marvellous community event" said one of the organisers, "...and we're so glad the judges actually took the time to look around properly before their verdicts"

Here at Carry On Langport we couldn't agree more...which brings us on to the 'Britain's 20 best rural pubs' list in The Times last week.

Congratulations to The Halfway House on its much-deserved high score...it's just the newspaper's description of the pub that is raising a few eyebrows:

 "You come here for the cider" ??? It's an award-winning real ale pub - has been for over 20 years!

"woozy amnesia" ??? Is that code for 'Pissed-up black-outs' ???

Somebody needs to sack the writer landlord.

Either way, keep up the good work Halfway...and thank your lucky stars The Times didn't notice NASA's Voyager I space probe wedged up on the chimney.

That's it for this evening - more news as it comes in.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

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