Look left and right before crossing...

Lollipop man gets part-time job at Tesco

Langport Primary School's Lollipop Man has been spotted shelf-stacking at Tesco.

This photograph was taken by an Eastover pensioner last week.

"I was trying to get from the icing sugar across to the cream crackers and this young man was extremely helpful" she said.

"I found what I was looking for without being hit by passing trolleys"

"We are a flexible local employer" said the store manager, "we are delighted the school's Lollipop Man has sought employment with us and have absolutely no problem with our staff having second jobs"

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

 Carry On Langport is now regularly getting as many as 3000 views per week. For a small agreed fee - a picture of your works van, shop front, business card or products can appear here, at the bottom of stories, on a regular basis. Tailored to your needs...get in touch.

Brace yourselves...

 

 

It's the Lowland Games...

Non-Somerset folk, townies and people with second homes in the county are packing their cars and fleeing this weekend as young farmers, mud-lovers and hillbillies descend on fields at Thorney near Langport for the Lowland Games.

It's comedy night tonight (Fri), then the big night out is tomorrow when Doctor and The Medics are top of the bill in the dance tent.

"Good choice" said a young farmer from Martock, "we'll need a doctor towards half ten when the annual fight breaks out on the grass"

Indeed, under 25s still learning how to drink often beat the crap out of each other as they fall out over who was the last one to sleep with Dirty Gertie from Number 30.

"As long as they do it out on the grass and don't involve us" said a spokesman from the security team on the phone from his full-time job at Somerton Play Group.

But the main event is Sunday with several much-loved competitions including wife-carrying, tug o'war and mud wrestling.

"Unfortunately we won't be allowing Russian breeds to compete in the dog racing this year until the drug abuse issue is cleared up" said one of the organisers.

 

 "...and due to the recent EU referendum result...European animals can only take part in the ferret racing if they bring photocopies of passports, birth certificates and proof of how many Germans they bit during the Second World War"

Carry On Langport is delighted to announce that South Somerset District Council's two health and safety officers are staying at a B&B in nearby Muchelney where they'll be bound and gagged until Monday morning.

"Sounds interesting...where's that then?" said a local potter.

For full details of the weekend's events at Thorney, click on the link below:

http://www.thelowlandgames.co.uk/ 

 Please play responsibly.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

1970s families

 

More sightings across the area...

Police say there've been more sightings of 1970s families across the Langport and Huish areas in recent weeks.

Members of the public who see them are warned not to tell them what year it is, not to say who shot JR in Dallas and not to mention that both VG and the Wayside Cafe will close in the early 1980s.

"It could have serious effects on the timeline" said Cosmic Pete, on the phone from his home in Wagg Drove in 1978.

There was panic in High Ham just yesterday when these children were spotted on a grass verge discussing last night's episode of George and Mildred...

 It's believed High Ham could be a 'hot spot' for 1970s families...late last year this herd was spotted by a farmer at nearby Turn Hill Woods...

One of them told the farmer he was looking for his Space Hopper.

 - and this grouping was spotted in The Avenue last autumn...one of them told a passer-by he was on his way to Fairhead's  "to buy a curlywurly and a bag of fizz bombs"...

"We're gonna try and sneak past Pam Hookins at the school crossing first!" said another.

- and this boy's been spotted several times this week wandering lanes in Pitney. He told a dog walker he was "looking for the Bat Cave"...

Investigations are continuing.

Anybody with any photos of 1970s people spotted in the area is urged to send them in to Carry On Langport via the blog's Facebook page.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

DON'T PANIC!

 

 

Americans buy Pinewood Studios.

In the national news today...Pinewood Studios, seen by many as the heart of English cinema comedy and where the Carry On films were made, has been bought by a US firm for around £300 million.

Carry On Langport is one of the first media outlets to interview the new owners and asked them if the sale meant the studios would soon be shooting unarmed black people with their hands up.

"Only on film" said a spokeswoman.

It's believed the studios' first film after the buyout will be 'Carry On Trumping', closely followed by 'Carry On Joining World Wars 2 Years Late' and 'Carry On Not Really Getting English Humour'.

There are no further details.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

Midweek Bulletin...

That's better...Marti finally gets her paintwork done on North Street...

...over at Cafe Arteazen...staff hear another driverless car might be tested down Langport Hill tonight...

...conditions worsen at Huish refugee camp as Langporters fight deportation...

...and police are called in amid allegations of indecent exposure in the gardens at The Kelways Inn...

That's it for now...log in again soon!


carryonlangport.blogspot.com

In case you missed it...

 

Hitler rant still available on Carry On Langport's playback channel....

Several readers old and new have informed me they haven't yet seen our exclusive video from the German archives of Hitler finding out his airforce kept missing the Langport Arms in 1941.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOiYx1VAzWE 

Here's the link (above) and brace yourself for some raw language as the Nazi dictator shouts and screams at his generals about several properties up and down Cheapside and Bow Street.

Oh well...he started it...he invaded Poland.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

Business and Technology News...

 

Volkswagen tests driverless car down Langport Hill.

German Car Manufacturer Volkswagen has apologised to Langport Hill residents for not notifying them of a driverless car test there overnight.

A red VW Golf was seen leaving its parking space all by itself in the early hours and heading backwards towards the antique shop opposite the Post Office.

Disaster was only averted when lead singer of local band The Nurofens Steve Pengelly dashed out of his nearby Penthouse 'with room for a pony' and saved the day.

"It was touch and go" said Mr Pengelly (pictured), who admitted he hadn't moved that fast since a voucher for 10 free singing lessons was thrown at him on stage at The Lowland Games 8 years ago.

 

"I couldn't open the door to get in and put on the handbrake" he said, "then the wife suggested trying to hit that top note again in A-ha's 'Take On Me'.....so I started singing and that worked a treat....the glass shattered and I leapt in and stopped the car."

Mr Pengelly later apologised for also breaking windows in Whatley, North Street and Bond's Pool.

Volkswagen has told Carry On Langport that in future it'll tell all locals before carrying out any future tests on the hill.

"I'll tell Steve to do the same" said Mrs Pengelly.

There are no further details.

carryonleavingyourhandbrakeoff.blogspot.com

Ding dong....

 

Look what the Landlord of the Halfway House got for his birthday...

There's music and festivities at the Halfway House this evening to celebrate the landlord's 53rd birthday. 

The company which owns the pub - 'Not as good as it used to be' Limited - has released this official photograph of Mark Phillips with the present he got from his wife....a 5 kilogram bell and clapper.

"I actually got him an even bigger one" said Clare Phillips, "but head barman Andy's hidden that one under his bed in the spare room"

"Who's got the old one that used to hang up over the bar?" said the Duke of Litchfield, as he looked around the pub and saw at least 28 things he never would have done.

"That's under someone else's bed in Curry Rivel" said the landlord, as he buffed his bell and wondered where to hang it.

Just as Carry On Langport went to press, we received this picture of Mr Phillips enjoying his first few drinks on his birthday...

Happy birthday Landlord....bellringing practice is every Wednesday night at Huish Church from September. But you won't need to bring your own...they've already got 8 and they're much bigger than yours.

 carryonlangport.blogspot.com 

HEATWAVE

Eli's evacuates the men's toilets

3 people were killed and several others injured today as soaring mid-July temperatures combined with high humidity caused a major incident at Eli's. It's reported the stench from the men's toilets overwhelmed dozens of people including a family buying a second-hand Ford Sierra at Arthur Daley's car lot, just next door to the pub.

"It was awful" said one of the victims, "...we were choking...some of us ran to Mr Daley's stream to get water... but quickly discovered it had been filled in"

"Fascinating" said a spokesman at the Environment Agency.

 

Langport Town Council business was also affected...chairman Janet Seaton and her deputy Cara Naden (above) were forced to abandon their 'what the hell are we going to do about Langport Festival' committee meeting at the pub and run back to the town hall in Bow Street.

It was later revealed it wasn't the Grade II listed men's urinals stinking after all...but the pig farm 2 miles away up at Pibsbury.

Most people, though, have been revelling in the hot weather...up at St Mary's Park the mercury was so high, Huish Episcopi Parish Council Leader Shirley Nicholas moved her bathroom out into her back garden.

"I had to go careful with the hollyhocks" she said.

 ...and at The Langport Arms, the summer menu's kicked in. "We've introduced WHITE forest gateau" said Malcolm, as Richard lost count of how many ornamental plates are on the wall in the main bar and had to start again.

Swimmers have been enjoying a dip in the Parrett at Cocklemoor and further up near the footbridge at Bow Bridge. There are no official changing rooms up there though so people have been hanging clothes on the pumping station gates...including one of the barmaids at Kelways.

"Look!" said a Somerton woman outside Langport Stores, "it's so hot even the clock face has melted on the town hall!"

"No no no..." said the postman, "...it's always looked like that."

Even the vicar at Langport Church has been struggling with the heat and has admitted she's been having "the odd drink" in the pulpit in between hymns...

Keep enjoying the sunshine folks.

 

 Anybody with any summer pictures taken locally is encouraged to send them in via this blog's Facebook page.

Daft local stuff always welcome too.

carryonsweating.blogspot.com

Here's where I got it from...

In loving memory

Much of my sense of humour I think came from this man, my fantastic father, who passed away 30 years ago today. For those of you who remember him and his old blue van...if you have a moment... raise a glass and say "Bown to do it!"

We think of you every day Dad...and always with a smile XXX

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

REFUGEE CRISIS DEEPENS

Huish Episcopi "swamped"

The United Nations says it's "concerned" at how many Langporters broke through the Hanging Chapel checkpoint yesterday. At least 500 people, seeking a better life (and lower council tax bills) in Huish gathered on the cricket field at The Rose and Crown.

Vehicles of all shapes and sizes turned up, the pub was so busy the staff even moved the till over to the shelf where the cheese rolls are usually sold.

"I've never seen anything like it" said one local.

 This family, from the Pitney Cottaging Company, said they'd been trying to get to Huish "for years" but then turned back when they realised somebody sold the village hall on E-bay 9 years ago.

Parish Council Leader Dame Shirley Nicholas was so concerned by the situation, she sent in the Army at around 4 o'clock.

"These Langporters are everywhere" she said, "I am seriously considering introducing an Australian-style points system to try to control numbers."

It's also believed several Moor Park Road residents are being illegally sheltered by Pikeys in Wagg Drove but nothing's been confirmed.

 Anybody with further photographic evidence of what went on in Huish yesterday is asked to send it in via Carry On Langport's Facebook page.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com 

 Carry On Langport is now regularly getting as many as 3000 views per week. For a small agreed fee - a picture of your works van, shop front, business card or products can appear here, at the bottom of stories, on a regular basis. Tailored to your needs...get in touch. 

Weekend Bulletin

Halfway House staff deny tomorrow's cooking contest could be a health and safety issue...

Two for one on antifreeze at Kelways...

As Shires runs out of fuel AGAIN...some Meadow Close drivers take the law into their own hands...

and in this weekend's competition...please spot and identify the oldest thing on the road in this picture...

...answers on a postcard please to our newsroom by Thursday.

carryonsteaming.blogspot.com

Townies 'sedated'...

 

As Langport's road network is swamped with steam engines...

Townies who haven't been driving on the local road network for many years are all being sedated this weekend as steam engines of all shapes and sizes hit the roads to celebrate the steam fair (that's one of its names) at High Ham.

"We'll be giving them the same sort of thing that Langport Vet's gives dogs on Firework Night" said one of the organizers, "except we won't be charging 80 quid a tablet"

The organizers may want to try a few drugs themselves as they appear to be struggling with the name of the event. Us over 40s have always called it 'The Traction Engine Rally' and in recent years it changed to 'The Somerset Steam Spectacular'...now though it's changed again to 'The Somerset Steam and Country Show'

"At least they haven't called it Lou Lou's" said the new landlady of the Black Swan.

Last year, the late and much-loved comedian Ronnie Corbett made an appearance (above left) and joined other enthusiasts in the 'pointless lawnmower engine' section.

But for many Langport and Huishers the highlight of the weekend is when several steam engines, trucks and tractors make their annual trek to the Rose and Crown on Saturday.

Landlord Steve Pittard has already been testing the bridge...

According to the Walrond family of Pitney, who've been driving their Foden steamer into the sides of public buildings since the 1930s, the convoy of steamers should be turning up at Eli's sometime after 5pm.

"It depends how many cars we hit on the way down" said Tim Walrond, who asked not to be named.

Happy summer everyone.

carryonsteaming.blogspot.com

May Day! May Day!

Horror at High Ham village hall.

This was the chaotic scene at High Ham Village Hall this afternoon as an airline pilot botched a loop-the-loop over South Somerset.

Local man Dave Linney, who can't be named for legal reasons, had taken off from nearby Pitney Airstrip and was attempting the cunning stunt in honour of Britain's new Prime Minister - Theresa May. But something went wrong...

The pilot was heard shouting "may day! may day!" out of the cockpit window as his aircraft plunged through the hall's front windows forcing locals, who were holding a village event, to run for cover.

"The buffet was destroyed and there were jellied eels everywhere" said the vicar.

The Air Accident Investigation Unit says it's looking into the incident...and 3 bowls of chicken drumsticks.

 Mr Linney has been arrested and a plate of egg and cress sandwiches has been taken away for forensic testing. 

It's believed the plane may have been brought down by a power surge from the roof of the nearby Kings Head where somebody was allegedly trying to plug in a hoover for the first time since 1956.

 

Police say a device similar to this one, pictured, was found thrown in a skip behind the pub a few hours ago.

"No, no, no....that's ours" said the landlord at The Langport Arms.

Details are still coming in.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

Forget the new Prime Minister...

 

Some scumbag has nicked my friend's handbag at Black Bridge.

A warning's been issued to doggers dog walkers along the River Parrett today as it emerges a woman had her handbag stolen out of her car at the Black Bridge car park.

"It's a disgrace" said a Liberal Democrat living in a big house on Bow Street with room for a wine cellar, "I thought we weren't allowed to call anything 'black' anymore?"

The theft happened yesterday and serves as a warning that however beautiful our town and village look at this time of year...there's always some shyster around trying to ruin your day.

The victim, who has asked not to be named, told Carry On Langport how relieved she was that her leather trousers hadn't been taken too.

"Thank goodness" she said, "I want to wear them at the Halfway on Friday night."

carryonthieving.blogspot.com

Road closure misery

Local shortcut could be closed another 7 weeks...

The Highways Agency says it expects the Langport-Huish shortcut to be closed for at least another 7 weeks after an incident upstairs in the Hanging Chapel.

Several Freemasons are still in hospital after a box of kippers exploded in their hot tub two Mondays ago. Engineers say the blast, which blew out the windows and catapulted 6 local businessmen and 9 packets of kippers into a garden in St Mary's Park, has severely weakened the medieval structure and it's too dangerous for vehicles to pass under.

It means Langport refugees trying to seek a better life in Huish Episcopi will no longer be able to sneak through the chapel at night when the check point is often unmanned. A handful of families have already been spotted dragging their belongings across Langport Rec.

Britain's newly-chosen Prime Minister Theresa May even took time out of her busy Westminster schedule yesterday to tell The Western Gazette that she is "stunned" by the news of the explosion.

 (not as stunned as the Jones Boys were Mrs May)

Carry On Langport has just been in touch with Musgrove Park Hospital to check on the condition of the injured Masons.

"They're doing fine" said Nurse Botley, "...and they're loving the gowns."

There are no further details at present.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com 

HITLER FOOTAGE EMERGES

War time Langport mentioned...

The German Government says it's found actual footage of Hitler in his bunker in Berlin during the last days of World War Two. The 3-4 minute clip reveals how frustrated the Nazi dictator became with Langport's war effort and the Luftwaffe's apparent inability to bomb the Langport Arms.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOiYx1VAzWE 

Click on the link above to view the film. It is subtitled and some readers may find the language offensive but we feel that it is of such historical importance that Langporters have to see it.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com 

Community Service

 

Black Swan agrees to take on 'dodgy teenagers'

The Black Swan had its launch night last night as it was revealed a handful of local convicts had been drafted in from Langport Prison to work on the bar.

"I believe in giving people a second chance" said the landlady, as two of the youngsters - Pengelly and Bown (neither of whom can be named for legal reasons) made off with the evening's takings.

Launch weekend continues tonight (Friday) amid reports that it will be a 'busy weekend' across Langport and Huish.

Not only is the Western Gazette planning a 'full centre spread' on activities at Thorney Lakes but what's being described as ' a coffee morning' is also taking place in part of Pibsbury...and for once it's nothing to do with my mother.

"I love it" said one townie, who's been living in the area for 45 years and still isn't local, "...nothing happens in the country."

Happy summer everyone.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com