Ready for Halloween?

 

...as darkness falls across the land...

No - it's not another power cut caused by dodgy wiring at the Vicarage but the party of the month at Langport and Huish's 'newest' pub tonight as the staff and customers of The Kelways Inn let their hair down for Halloween. The tradition of celebrating the dead dates back to the year 1456 when the cleaners were overcome by fumes at Eli's as they attempted to get a pickled egg out of the men's urinals - and it's been celebrated ever since.

  

Even the manageress at The Grange is going to tonight's big party, she's been trying on her costume in the building's showers this morning. (above).

 But rumours that an 'after party' is to be held at Langport's new crematorium (High Ham road off Picts Hill) have been denied. "We just can't get everyone behind the curtains" said a spokeswoman as she rang Bibic to cancel the gas cylinders.

 

Portcullis House at Eastover has also had to deny rumours it's having a party tonight after passers-by noticed ghouls and zombies staggering around the home's lounge area (above) lunging at each other.

"No no no" said the manageress, "that was just the residents having their pilates class".

Meanwhile, a family from Bridgwater - pictured - have already started walking across fields towards Othery and hope to get to the Kelways party before midnight. The father, top left, said he hoped the pub wouldn't mind but they "hadn't had time" to get fancy dress costumes together.

Carry On Langport wishes all its readers a fun-packed halloween night and for anyone fed up with trick or treaters....(cheap tacky annoying American tradition)...try covering mushy brussel sprouts with cooking chocolate, then put them in Ferrero Rocher wrappers and hand them out at the door. The look on the kids' faces as they bite through into the sprout is priceless.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

HALLOWEEN FILMS

 Coming to a screen near you...

A number of businesses, organisations and individuals will be showing horror films in pop-up cinemas in and around Langport and Huish at 8 o'clock tonight as part of the area's halloween celebrations. Carry On Langport is pleased to be able to publish the full list of venues and films:

Heaven's Gate - Pet Cemetery

The Langport Arms - The Shining

Eli's Toilets - Paranormal Activity

Travis Perkins - Saw

The White Lion - The Others

Pawplay Boarding Kennels - An American Werewolf in London

Thorney Lakes -What Lies Beneath
Huish Pool - Jaws
Brainwave Charity Shop - Scanners

Mary Coombes - Invasion of the Body Snatchers 

Guys and Dolls - Sweeney Todd

Lou Lou's - Amytiville II

Huish Vicarage - The Exorist
Langport Stores - X rated episode of Are You Being Served 
Cardomom Kitchen - X rated episode of It Ain't Half Hot Mum

The Grange - Hostel 

Cracknells - The Birds

The Chinese Takeaway - One of Our Cats is Missing

Chubby's Kebabs - So is One of Ours
Somerton Police Station - Assault on Precinct 13

Upstairs at the Hanging Chapel - Stepford Wives (1975)...think about it
River Parrett at Bridgwater - Deliverance

and at my house - Carry On Screaming

Please bring your own magic mushrooms popcorn.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

Emergency at Tesco

 

Eyewitnesses 'blame' new plastic bag charge.

Paramedics had to perform an emergency procedure at Langport Tesco yesterday when a local businessman carrying 18 large cucumbers across the car park slipped and gave himself an early Christmas present. It's believed the 40 year-old had been attempting to struggle back to his vehicle without a plastic bag which he didn't have an extra 5p for. 

Several passers-by stopped to help including a waitress from The Kelways Inn who treated him with Mayonnaise until the ambulance arrived. 

Police are appealing for witnesses and we've just heard that BBC Radio 4 is so alarmed at what happened that it's decided to cancel a Langport recording of Uphill Gardeners' Question Time planned for next month.

Meanwhile a spokesman for Tesco told Carry On Langport that only 4 of the cucumbers survived the incident but they've now been "washed off" and are back on display. The man was given a full refund, a free tub of vaseline and advised that in future he should stick to buying pre-sliced fruit and veg.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

Any news?

Groundhog Day at local paper.

The award-winning Western Gazette is blaming a computer error for the fact that it's printed the same story on pages 8 and 9 of its Somerton and Langport edition for the last 30 years. It's believed a cleaner at the paper's Yeovil offices may have unplugged the main server while she was using the hoover to get the filth off the court pages. There are no further details at present.

The Gazette's main frame computer - above - was accidentally switched off by a cleaner in 1985.

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Lights, camera, action!

Rows on set as flood film gets underway.

The filming of the new Brit-flick about the devastating flooding on the Somerset Levels was thrown into chaos last night as the actor playing John Leach stormed off set. Brian Blessed - above - said he was “outraged” that his character was charging £35 for a brown egg cup at his pottery shop at Thorney. “It’s far too cheap!” boomed Mr Blessed as dozens of extras from Chard turned up to play the pond life at Thorney Lakes.

There are also unconfirmed reports that several Langport Freemasons were thrown off set yesterday when they arrived for work with their trousers rolled up even though they weren’t actually in one of the flood scenes.

There are rumours too that Julian Temperley’s role still hasn’t been filled. Several hedgerows and Boris Johnson are said to have auditioned for the part but it’s believed it may eventually be offered to a cardigan at the St Margaret's Hospice shop on Bow Street. 

 
Meanwhile Barbara Windsor's agent has confirmed that the former Carry On star will be playing Di Temperley and actress Penelope Keith - above - will be appearing as at least 17 Muchelney women. But Julian Clary has turned down the part of Muchelney Straight saying the role "just didn't feel right" for him. Although he has agreed to do a scene with a red hot poker at Muchelney Forge.

The film, entitled ‘The Levelling’, is due to be released in cinemas some time next year.



carryonlangport.blogspot.com 

Golfers 'deported'

Langport men forced to cut short holiday.

There are unconfirmed reports from a news agency in Madrid this weekend that a group of around ten Langport and Huish Episcopi men were thrown out of Spain on Friday. The group were playing golf at La Manga near Murcia in the south of the country after Long Sutton golf club allegedly paid them to go clubbing somewhere else for a week. According to Spanish newspaper 'The Daily Gringo' several of the men spent Wednesday and Thursday night in cells at Malaga police station.

There are no further details at the moment but anyone who knows what happened should inform the news team at The Western Gazette who will probably need help spelling Pengelly, Knight and Harwood.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

Coming soon...

Staff at the Langport branch of Travis Perkins tell the Rose and Crown's handyman it'll take more than a spray-down to sort out the grade II listed men's urinals...

Management at the White Lion discuss the pub's plans for Halloween Night...

Fresh discussions at Huish Episcopi Parish Council over whether the village should merge with Langport...

  

  ...and Langport's Town Clerk has been chosen to feature on the town council's official Christmas cards for 2015...

 

Carry On Reading!

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

Can you help?

 

Chard animal charity  seeks the public's help.

According to an article in this month's Levelling Langport Magazine (page 34), the Ferne Animal Sanctuary near Chard is 'currently overrun' with people from Bridgwater and is seeking suitable homes for them.

 "They need access to outside runs with grass, and a companion, where appropriate." said a spokeswoman as she performed her 28th paternity test of the day. She went on to explain that "some of them arrived as strays" and that they are all "easy to handle" provided you give them a doner kebab, £300 in benefits and a pile of scratchcards every evening before the sun goes down.

Anyone who thinks they can offer a Bridgwater resident a normal environment to live in should dial 999 and ask for the 'sterilizing' department or contact the Ferne Animal Sanctuary directly by e-mailing: howmanytoeshasitgot@hotmail.com.

The Mayoress of Bridgwater - above - said she hoped Carry On Langport readers would help re-home a large chunk of the town's population before they started looking for fish and chip shops in Middlezoy and Othery.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

IN THE COURTS...

 

 

It's all hot air.

The case of someone alleged to have siphoned off something from somewhere has been continuing at Taunton Crown Court. The hearing has been adjourned until sometime next year.

The Trouble with Bubbles.

16 Langport Freemasons charged with operating a hot tub without a licence and the theft of 3 boxes of frozen kippers from Tesco over the summer have had their case adjourned until December 15th. 

Was that your hand or mine?

A Courtfield ferret keeper has been fined £500 and ordered to use stronger binder twine after 3 of his animals got loose in August and made their way into the massage parlour at Mary Coombes in Huish. Magistrates in Yeovil heard how several customers fled the premises screaming during the incident, although at least two Huish Academy teachers are said to have "enjoyed" the experience and went on to pay for a full year's membership.

Divine intervention.

A judge has warned Huish Vicar Jess Pitman that if she drops her nokia charger in the font at St Mary's Church again, she could face a lengthy prison sentence. Last month the Reverend Pitman caused a power surge at the nearby Rose and Crown when she let the device slip into the holy water during a christening. 3 godparents were injured. Landlord at Eli's Steve Pittard was in the middle of pressing the 'fix wins' button on the back of the fruit machine in the top room at the time and suffered severe burns. Appearing before magistrates in Taunton, the vicar was ordered to say 35 bloody Marys and agreed not to force anyone to sing The Lord's My Shepherd at a funeral until at least April next year. 

Don't look now.

The case of the Langport vet who charged a woman ninety-five pounds when her dog looked through the front window at his surgery on Bow Street has been adjourned until November 7th.

Unexpected buttocks in bagging area.

- and finally, 8 members of staff at Langport Tesco have been ordered to do community service and fined twenty-five pounds each after being filmed mooning on the scales at the self-service tills in the store during an alleged orgy. The automated female voice on the self-service tills hasn't been heard since the incident two months ago. It's believed she was traumatised by what happened and has taken time off for stress. She's been replaced by a man's voice until further notice.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

What's going on?

 

 

Langport blog fails to come up with 'the gossip'...

The news team at Carry On Langport have admitted they've been twiddling their thumbs this week as Langport, Huish and the surrounding villages fail to come up with any decent dirt. For the first time since its launch over 6 months ago, the blog is struggling for any 'real' news this weekend.

Several local businesses and individuals have been trying to help with the lack of stories:

"We even sprayed bleach round the men's urinals" said the landlord at Eli's, "but it didn't seem to attract much attention." Staff at Chubby's were equally disappointed, "We all applied for passports and residents permits" said a spokesman, "but nobody took any notice."

Even the recent Langport Town and Huish Parish Council staff outing to Weymouth - above - didn't seem to make the blog this week. Nothing happened.

Other attempts to create local news came from Mary Coombes who says she "deliberately" organised a power surge while she was giving a local parish councillor 'a procedure' , and Huish Vicar Jess Pitman also tried to help when she 'accidentally' exorcised a White Lion customer on Tuesday.

 "Maybe it's just that nobody tells you anything anymore" said the manager at Tesco, chatting to Carry On Langport's editor as he changed the code on the side door for this Sunday's orgy.

Either way, this blog will not disappoint and neither will Langport. This old town is sure to come up with the goods sooner or later. Has it ever let us down? Watch this space.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

Police Switchboard

 

Numbers to remember...

In light of the front page story on the latest local edition of the Western Gazette, Carry On Langport is pleased to publish an up-to-date list of police non-emergency numbers for Somerset residents.

Serious Crime - phone Aberdeen Police Station on 01224-676559

Domestic Violence - phone Liverpool Police Station on 0151-223-7878

Household burglary - phone Norfolk Constabulary on 01603-246757

and for benefit fraud and allegations of inbreeding (Bridgwater residents only) - phone Newcastle Police on 0191-676869.

For actual emergencies the public are asked to dial 999 as usual and then have a shower, iron the kids' school uniforms and dig the garden while a squad car drives over from Wincanton.

As reported in the Gazette...Somerton Police Station is expected to close in around 18 months time after its switchboard operator Molly Winterbuttocks - above - announced plans to retire.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com

Langport Rec

 

Nothing to see here...

Langport and Huish Sports and Social Club has denied rumours that anything happened during a football match at the recreation ground last weekend. There are no further details.

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How's your father?

 

 
The Autumn 2015 inbreeding forecast now supplied by the Home Office.

Othery - fair - getting worse

Aller - moderate - no change

Langport - moderate - increasing

Huish - quiet - still being swept under the carpet

Curry Rivel - active - on the up

Somerton - strong - Royal Oak

Middlezoy - rampant - increasing

Bridgwater - totally off the scale - still no figures available.

Sponsored by CECOB - the campaign for extra columns on birth certificates.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com