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Wednesday, 31 August 2016

New sitcom at Langport



'Not Open All Hours'

The BBC has confirmed it's to film a spin-off of TV sitcom 'Open All Hours' at Langport. 'Not Open All Hours' is being made at NatWest Bank and will be on our screens early next year.

"We'll be recording it between 10am and 3 o'clock every weekday" said a BBC spokeswoman, "that way we won't be bothered by any real customers...they're all at work between those times and can't get here."

"We are delighted that the BBC is taking full advantage of our reduced opening hours" said a spokesman at the NatWest press office.

What a pity none of the rest of us can.


________________________________

What's on...


Check out open-mic night at the Kelways Inn tomorrow (Thurs). The evening features an appearance by local band 'State of the Wild' (pictured)

Never heard their music? Get a taster of what the Langport boys do on You Tube, click on the link:


Sunday, 28 August 2016

Illegal Immigrants Arrested

 

Police pounce at Tesco...

This family of illegal Langport immigrants were arrested at Tesco yesterday as they stocked up on supplies before making their perilous journey to Huish Episcopi to seek a better life (and lower council tax)

The 3 adults and 2 children had reportedly been hiding in a roof space somewhere along Bow Street but had been forced to move on when the plants growing around them "just got too big"

PC Doug Jones told Carry On Langport the group were planning to make a dash through the Hanging Chapel late last night but popped into the supermarket when they realised only Tesco's Finest Cumberland sausages were permitted in Huish - not the Everyday Value ones, which most Langport residents now survive on.

 
Huish Episcopi Parish Council held an emergency meeting this afternoon (above) to discuss the incident and decided that - now the roadworks are finished - it was time to reinstate the checkpoint at the chapel.

"It's about time we shut down that bleedin' hot tub club upstairs as well" said a Portland Road member, as he bought Chairman Dame Shirley Nicholas another double gin.

There are no further details at present....except to say that the afore mentioned plants are doing well and should be available at all the usual outlets in the autumn.

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News just in...



Half-price kebab sale at Chubbies...

Details are still coming in.

Saturday, 27 August 2016

PLANNING APPLICATION


 
High Street store plan for St Gilda's...

The new owner of St Gilda's Convent, Peter Andre, has applied for planning permission to convert the former school and private house in to a branch of Iceland.

The singer, who advertises for the high street store, told Carry On Langport he hoped South Somerset District Council would approve his plan.

Mr Andre, whose wife hails from Taunton, also revealed his new Somerset home was the inspiration for his latest hit single.

 'Mysterious Nun' goes on sale next week.

Thursday, 25 August 2016

How's your father?


  
In light of recent events in the national media, Carry On Langport's end-of-summer inbreeding statistics have been kindly supplied by OFSTED.

Othery ghetto - rampant
Aller ghetto - out of control
Fivehead - (the clue's in the name)
Westonzoyland - moderate - getting worse
Pitney - "not in our village"
Curry Rivel - Chatham Place ghetto sealed off
Somerton - Royal Oak beer garden ghetto sealed off
Coombe - no information available until after the big party on Sunday
Bridgwater - totally off the scale - no figures available since 1978
 
 
...but this year's national winners are, of course, the Isle of Wight.

"Despite losing to the island...it's been a fantastic summer for Team Somerset!" said a Stembridge man, as he and his wife's sister's auntie's brother's dentist's gran's plastic surgeon's cousin jumped on their tractor and headed off for another game of 'pin the DNA on the donkey' at the Rusty Axe.

This report was sponsored by CECOB - the campaign for extra columns on birth certificates.


In memory of...



Sir Anthony Jay 
1930-2016

The co-writer of award-winning TV sitcoms 'Yes, Minister' and 'Yes, Prime Minister' has died at his home at Upton, near Long Sutton, at the grand old age of 86.

Check out this all-time favourite episode of 'Yes, Minister' back in 1982, when a UK government delegation successfully smuggles a selection of alcohol in to a V.I.P event in an oil-rich but strictly religious country in the Middle East! 

Click on the link:




Great writing...thanks for the laughs Tony.

R.I.P



Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Midweek Bulletin...


Summer horror on Cocklemoor......as One Stop denies selling out-of-date cornettos...




 ...up at Somerton...the rugby club finally admits it can only score a try with medical help...




...hippies on holiday?...the AA says not a single mobile home or landrover has broken down in Wagg Drove since Thursday...




...and in a shoplifting trial at Langport Crown Court...

...Judge Botting says anyone who's ever put two steaks and a bottle of wine on the self-service scales at Tesco...hit the 'onions' button and got the lot for 35p...should "leave the chamber now"...




Log in again soon!


Tuesday, 23 August 2016

Cartgate too busy?



...give High Ham woods a try...

Avon and Somerset Police say the picnic area at the Cartgate Roundabout on the A303 has become so busy in recent weeks, they're now diverting "certain members of the community" to Turn Hill woods near High Ham instead.


The National Trust has agreed to go along with the decison but says it'll have to rewrite the sign currently at the entrance to the woods (pictured above)

"It won't take a minute" said a spokesman.

"Neither will rewriting the sign" said another.

There are no further details at present.



Sunday, 21 August 2016

HUISH POOL


 
Roof fundraiser day planned...

A fundraising day takes place this week towards getting a roof built on the Huish Leisure Centre swimming pool. It's part of a local campaign to raise £20,000 for the £950,000 project. The government's Sport England fund has already promised £481,000.

On Friday, what's being described as a 'Community Pool Party' will be the first of a chain of fundraising events which according to the Western Gazette will involve "food....drink....and some water based activities."


Carry On Langport has managed to get hold of a list of what these 'water based activities' will be and is delighted to be able to publish this detailed run-down:

10am - grand opening

10.15am - Eastover residents have their annual bath

10.30am - fight breaks out among Eastover residents.

11.00 - Langport Freemasons demonstrate how to swim the front crawl with one side of their trunks rolled up.

11.15am - a brief display from the Environment Agency on how to spend 5 million quid at Seven Bends near Othery without actually doing anything.


11.30am - Langport Arms washes its cutlery.

Midday - synchronized swimming (running round in circles flapping their arms about) from staff at Somerton Police Station (brought in specially for the event from Wincanton)

2pm - a crash course in how to get you and your living room on BBC Points West news most nights of the week, by Muchelney residents.

3pm - grand finale: several St Mary's Park women are thrown into the water with the 'Langport Pike' as their husbands and partners place bets on who gets dragged under first.

"I feel sorry for the pike" said district councillor and organiser Clare Aparicio.

The family fun day also involves live music. Tickets, for £5, can be purchased from Huish Leisure.


Pictured: an artist's impression of Huish Pool with its new roof.

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Want to lose weight this summer?


 
 
...get yourself into Langport Prison...

People trying to lose a few pounds before the end of summer are said to be queuing up to spend time at Langport Prison this week to sweat it out.

Temperatures in the glass covered 'eco' building, pictured above, reportedly reached 40 degrees on Tuesday - causing at least 60 inmates to lose 30 stone between them.

"I've been getting so hot I forgot what I'm in here for" said a Somerton Town Councillor.


This man, who runs the prison's telephone switchboard, said he'd been "trying to open a window at the 'eco' buildings since 2008" but couldn't find one.

Forecasters say the hot weather will continue for most of the weekend prompting this emergency advice to inmates from the Home Office:

"draw the curtains and sleep in the fridge...and next summer move to somewhere sensible"




Tuesday, 16 August 2016

All Aboard!



Construction work underway on Langport Station.

Work's begun on Langport Eastover's new train station this week. It's squeezed in right next to the line on the left, as you go under the railway bridge on the bend towards Tesco.

These community service workers (above) were spotted there this afternoon (on their 9th tea break) but refused to comment on reports they're the same bunch of workmen who built Kelways Roundabout....four times.

There are no further details at present.


Monday, 15 August 2016

Nothing to see here...

 

Off Air

Carry On Langport's news team has a busy few days ahead so the blog may well will be off air and resume writing sometime next week...if not a bit later. Until then you'll have to turn to our rival publications Levelling Langport Magazine and websites Langport.strife and wheresittoo.com

This doesn't mean the newsroom here isn't still accepting contributons such as story ideas and photographs.

Send them in via the Facebook page or down to Cheapside by carrier pigeon.


carryonlangport.blogspot.com


Friday, 12 August 2016

OLYMPICS LATEST

 

'Medals galore' for Somerset...

Sports commentators say they're "astonished" at how well people from the Langport area are doing in the Olympic Games.

Steve Jewell easily took the silver medal last night when he got from Eli's to Kelways in less than 3 minutes...the 49 year-old has denied he had help from his dog.

"If it hadn't been for the roadworks round church corner and up past the academy I would've got the gold" said the award-winning general builder.


- and there was more than one event at The Rose and Crown last night. In the Snuff Hurdles, mechanic John Light and 'holiday cottager' Mark Bass took the bronze as they leapt around the top room in less than 90 seconds without breathing.


In the Baton Relay at Tesco, there was outrage when one of the Curry Rivel team accidentally passed a Battenberg Cake to his team mate instead of a cucumber. The pair were instantly disqualified.

"Rules are rules" said Andrew, as he gave them both a bag for life as a consolation prize.

"They're from Chatham Place" said an onlooker, "that won't hold the Stella"
At Boilertec, a Garden City man completed the 'get everything in a Haskins removal van and into the property four doors up' race in just 25 minutes.

"We're delighted" said the manageress, "and we may be using him next month"


Carvery Slicing didn't go too well at the Langport Arms though when the Overte Locke staff team (25 of them) from Somerton were caught smuggling in their own knives.

There were also celebrations up at Long Sutton where a Huish Episcopi couple won the 'chase the working class customers out of the Devonshire Arms' hurdles.


Even Huish Leisure Centre has been getting in the spirit of things and dyed the pool green last night.

"We're also having a great time" said a local drug dealer, "I just wish more Russians had come"

The games continue tomorrow and there are high hopes for Langporters in the 'get to Shires before they run out of fuel again' relay and Wagg Drove residents also have their fingers crossed for the mobile home and static caravan drag racing at 2 o'clock.

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Thursday, 11 August 2016

Thursday bulletin...


North Street allotments "doing well"...


 ...staff at Eli's investigate complaints of "fizzy pork scratchings"...


...Stationery House in Somerton denies allegations it's been secretly arming anti-government militants in Colombia...


...and police film Bridgwater woman trying to sneak into Langport unnoticed to get her scratchcards...


Log in again soon!




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Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Check this out....



Aerial view of Huish Church discovered...1929!

Found this aerial view of St Mary's Church at Huish Episcopi this week. Dated 1929. 

The only familiar buildings apart from the church are the church hall opposite on one side and the vicarage opposite on the other. You can also see the war memorial, just a few years old at that point (think it was unveiled in 1926) and which of course only listed those locals killed in the 1914-18 conflict, the Second World War hadn't happened yet.

Notice what looks like allotments on the land where the Courtfield houses now stand. The graveyard also appears far smaller than it is today...and there's no church car park.


 To give us an idea of what was going on back in 1929...just down the road from Huish Church at the Rose and Crown (above)...Eileen Scott was living with her parents Maud and Eli. She was just 6 years-old.

- and several of my own great grandparents were alive and kicking....in Wearne, Bow Street, Curry Rivel and Street.


Indeed, in 1929 Langporters were still all living under gas light, parafin and candles - the town didn't get electricity until the early 1930s...and both Langport East and West railway stations would still have been open.

In international politics, Hitler was already stirring things up as an opposition leader in Germany. He came to power 4 years later in 1933.

Here's another aerial view - this time of Langport - also dated 1929.


The large building in the centre on the top side of the road is the primary school, to the right is what was the police station.

You can just make out the old barn opposite the school which for many of us was a motorcycle shop and car mechanic's in the early 80s, before that in the late 60s it was where the school dinners were made before being carried across the road.

(it could also have been one of Boilertec's old addresses)

I have no idea what the large plot of buildings was directly opposite the school and to the left of that long barn, but to the left again is, I think, the old cattle market. This later became the police station and the telephone exchange.

 
It is also where Langport's air raid siren was put several decades later, on top of a pole, during the cold war. If that had ever gone off you wouldn't be reading this today. It eventually disappeared sometime in the 80s. Today there are private homes on the site.

 Look at Eastover....just empty fields. Just up the Eastover turning and off this photograph on the far left would have been the railway station, the land on the far side of the rec is also empty...that's where St Mary's Park would eventually be.

...and you can just see the roofs of the White Lion and its neighbours along North Street.

For more old aerial pictures of Langport in 1929, click on the link below. No idea who took them...the Luftwaffe trying to locate the Langport Arms?


Nothing like a bit of history to send you all to sleep.



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Monday, 8 August 2016

Fete fantastique!



...as Vicar 'has the neighbours round'...

There are pats on the back all round at Huish this week as hundreds of people turned up for the St Mary's Church Fete in the beautiful grounds of the Vicarage on Saturday.

Vicar Jess Pitman opened the gardens - including her gooseberry patch and hollyhock beds - for the event which included live music, food and drink and games for the children.


Special guests Dame Vera Lynn, Doris Day and June Whitfield - pictured above enjoying the sunshine  - said they had a "marvellous afternoon".

Although there was some concern that they might be accidentally taken home by somebody when it was realised the sign stuck in the grass just behind them read "the raffle draw will be at 5pm"

"One young man from Langport thought I was a prize" said Miss Whitfield, "I should be so lucky!"

There was also a brief health scare for Church Treasurer John Ford when towards the end of the afternoon he realised he had to write out a cheque for £100 for the winner of the raffle.


Mr Ford - pictured - collapsed into Kingsbury Town Band's brass section moments after handing over the prize but quickly recovered when a church warden suggested switching off the church heating for a month in winter.

"Most of the congregation can't feel their feet anyway" said a bellringer.

It's believed the Fete made a record amount of money this year...and deservedly so.

Congratulations to all concerned.

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Saturday, 6 August 2016

WEATHER FORECAST



"Scorchio!"

The Met Office says several herons fishing on the River Parrett are expected to drop dead in the heat this afternoon as one of the most glorious days of the summer so far takes place.

"We strongly recommend taking shelter from the UV rays under any local landmarks, " said a spokeswoman, "including the vicar's hollyhocks (the church fete starts at 2pm), the Hanging Chapel, that dodgy leaning pine tree outside Kelways or that even dodgier apple tree in the garden at Eli's."

The AA says locals might as well stay in "beautiful Langport and Huish" for the weekend as roads and motorways quickly clog up.


"Several families with tattoos from Birmingham have already been seen heading towards Weston-super-Mare and Weymouth" said a spokesman.

While up on the A303 the traffic's already moving so slowly in the heat, pikeys from Wiltshire have opened a 'radiator replacement service' on the middle of Podimore Roundabout, "it's also rather a good place to hide a body" said one of them.

"We were thinking of heading down to Huish Church for the fete this afternoon" said another, "but the lead's gonna be so bloody hot on that roof we wouldn't even be able to touch it."

There are no further details.

Please sunbathe and drink Pimms responsibly...and if you take a dip in the Parrett today...look out for the Langport Pike...it dragged another train off the viaduct last week.


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 Carry On Langport is now regularly getting as many as 3000 views per week. For a small agreed fee - a picture of your works van, shop front, business card or products can appear here, at the bottom of stories, on a regular basis. Tailored to your needs...get in touch.