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Carry On Langport's Archives

Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Midweek Bulletin.

We get the first picture of the jobsworth who told the Kelways Inn to take down the flue for its new Aga...as the district council does a u-turn and says it can stay...
 

...massive swing to the left reported at Eli's amid reports the pub is subsiding...but the Labour member for Coombe South says he's delighted...(despite the noise)...


...pensioner rushed to hospital from Langport Tesco as she finds 'something nasty in the crumpet display'...

 

and staff at the Heaven's Gate charity say they "don't know what all the fuss is about" as they unveil their Christmas card for 2015...


...please give generously and log in again soon...just like Bambi...




Sunday, 6 December 2015

A LETTER TO SANTA...



 
From the people of Langport...


Dear Father Christmas,

We have tried to be good this year and hope you will have time to stop off and bring us a few presents on Christmas Eve.

We are quite easy to find. Just follow the railway line down from London on the way to Exeter and when you see a load of houses surrounded by boggy farmland with a church on the hill then you know you have got here.

(If you land in a place where every other house is a 'second home' and the local pub refuses to serve working-class customers...you've gone off course...that's Long Sutton...go back to the railway line and try again.)

You can probably land your sleigh on Langport's main street which is long and narrow. In fact, since our Christmas lights went up, at least 2 airliners have tried to land here too. It's quite popular. Whatever you do, don't touch down up the road at Huish near a place called Romford Meats. You might take off with less reindeer than you started with.

Here is a short list of what we'd like in our stockings this year...if that's ok.

1. A new town clock (just to keep the local blogger quiet)

2. Floodlights down Priest Lane (so the single mums can see what they're leaning against)

3. A new landlord and/or landlady at Lou Lou's.

4. Someone to rename Lou Lou's and call it The Black Swan again.

5. A checkpoint somewhere up near the Halfway House to stop too many Somerton people getting in and an electric fence just past the Drayton turning to keep the Curry lot out.

6. A new roof for the forecourt at Shires Garage

7. A tram service connecting Eli's, The Halfway House and The Kelways Inn.


8. A festive kick up the arse for 'that man' who owns the house opposite Lou Lou's boarded up since the Battle of Langport.

9. Some totty for all of us. Fresh talent is a bit rare down here on the moors and the gene pool is getting a bit shallow.

10. and finally Santa, could you move The Grange a bit closer to Langport? We are all getting a bit fed up with the walk.

Many thanks and Merry Christmas.

From all of us.

PS - Our friends at Huish also have a Christmas list. They want to know if they can have their church hall back, if Eli's can have some new lightbulbs outside on the top room guttering, if St Mary's Church can have some new bellringers (practice night is Wednesdays at 7.30) and if the farmer and his wife at that Bed and Breakfast in Pibsbury could possibly tone down their festive lights a bit this year...after last year's complaints from several people living in Martock.




 

Saturday, 5 December 2015

Weekend Headlines


Langport Vet tells Western Gazette "We're gonna need a bigger surgery"....



London Underground launches its 2015 Christmas timetable...


Concerns about Garden City residents prompt NHS to change signs at local GP Practice...


...and Mayoress of Bridgwater on night out at Eli's tells reporters she "still can't find the bar"...

Thursday, 3 December 2015

RAF bombs Bridgwater

 

Here we go again...

After a 12 hour debate at the town hall yesterday, Langport Town Council last night voted to bomb the Sydenham Estate in Bridgwater. By dawn today several aircraft had taken off from Pitney Airstrip and are believed to have attacked several ICC (inbreeding carnival club) targets in and around the town. Details are still coming in but Langport Town Council Leader Janet Seaton told the Commoners "it will be a long campaign".


Several anti-war demonstrators gathered outside Travis Perkins in Langport last night (above) where they also protested about how much the store charged them for the paint for their banners.

(Picture thanks to the award-winning Western Gazette)


Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Wedgie at Shires Garage.



Imperial or metric driver?

An HGV driver performed what eyewitnesses are calling "an impressive wedgie" when he 'popped in for a coffee' at Shires Garage this morning. It happened just after 6am. The impact was apparently so great that several of the pumps on the forecourt ticked over an extra penny...even though the drivers using them had just hung up the nozzle. Fascinating.

A number of unconfirmed theories have been put forward as to exactly why the lorry hit the canopy. Could the driver, perhaps from overseas, have been confused by imperial height restrictions?
Or was he just in a hurry - desperate to get his delivery of Newtown factory workers to Chard by 7 o'clock? An inquiry's underway.

(Photograph thanks to Mr Fouracre)


Saturday, 28 November 2015

PARAMEDICS AT TESCO



Yule Log 'horror'

We're getting reports that a woman's been seriously hurt after slipping over on to a Yule Log at Langport Tesco. The victim, pictured above moments after the accident, is believed to have fallen over on to the festive treat while rehearsing in the aisles for her role in tonight's Langport Come Dancing contest at The Arms.

There are unconfirmed reports the log had been dropped by shoplifters minutes earlier during a chase involving two check-out girls and a cucumber stacker.

 A spokesman at Yeovil A&E, where the woman's been taken, says surgeons have been doing all they can...but they don't think they'll be able to save the Yule Log.

Friday, 27 November 2015

Langport Christmas Lights

 

Where are they plugged in?

As Langporters and the town's visitors enjoy the spectacle of our Christmas lights this season - and let's face it they're the best we've seen for decades - questions are being asked about where the main cable for the silver chain along Bow Street and North Street is actually plugged in.

"I heard Scriven's had unplugged their mincing machine" said a passer-by, "Or has the Surgery turned off its 'Adult Only' screens in the waiting room?" said another.
"Nothing to do with us!" said a spokesman at Bibic, "been there, done that." 
An inquiry's now underway to find out who's actually powering them.

Not everyone's welcomed the illuminations though. The Langport Arms has complained they're melting the gateau on the carvery, Langport Vet's says they're "throwing too much light" on their charges, staff at Chubby's say they're no longer sure "which way points to Mecca" and just last night a Ryanair jet caused chaos when it attempted to land on Bow Street...several pedestrians were injured and then charged extra when they tried to run for cover.

More details later. 



Black Friday!




(more American tosh)

Happy Black Friday capitalists! Once again one of the most Christian nations in the world, the USA, appears to have forgotten that Black Friday is in fact the day during Easter when the crucifixion of Christ is marked - and now apparently so has the UK.
Next year we'll be all down the pub celebrating Thanksgiving. Yeehaa!


As part of its Black Friday deal, Amazon says Christians can buy this classic painting today for just 99p.



Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Midweek Headlines...


'Technical fault' reported at Hinkley Point as Langport switches on its Christmas lights...


Archaeologists "thrilled" as medieval plaque is uncovered under North Street...


...first pictures emerge from Las Vegas after Langport man's stag weekend...

 

...and as Christmas approaches, there's been another escape attempt at Cracknells...



Back soon!







Sunday, 22 November 2015

Caught in the act...


 
Washing line underwear thieves arrested at Langport.

Police say they've finally apprehended the mob alleged to have been stealing underwear off washing lines across Langport and Huish this year. The gang were caught red-handed in the town square, on the roof of Natwest, using gripper hooks to get two pairs of y-fronts off the line in the Langport Arms beer garden.
They were arrested and posed for photographs in their community service vests (above) before being thrown into a van and driven to Martock launderette. 
More details later.

Some news just in...



Schoolboy arrested at Langport Rec

It's been revealed a 10 year-old boy was arrested on Friday morning after approaching a stranger and offering him sweets and balloons at Langport recreation ground. It happened just behind the roundabout in front of the swings just before school began. Eastover residents, living nearby, say they're "horrified that something like this could happen around here". The victim, caught on CCTV at the rec as the crime took place (above), is believed to be a recently-elected Langport Town Councillor who was on his way back from an all-night game of strip poker in the freezer room at Romford Meats (use the back door).
The boy appeared before magistrates in Yeovil yesterday and has been remanded in custody until his next hearing a week tomorrow.

Saturday, 21 November 2015

DISGUSTING

 
 

'Blue movie' shock at Langport Surgery.

Langport Surgery has issued an official apology after 'someone' accidentally clicked on the wrong icon on a computer and transferred a pornographic movie to the large screens in the waiting room.
There were gasps of horror from some of the dozen people who saw it, somebody even started clapping and several North Street residents who weren't even ill turned up to watch it.

"I've never seen anything like it" said Marjorie Saddleplank, who was there to have a piece of Pitney Woods removed from her buttocks.
"Me neither" said Cath Pibsbury, who'd popped in to have her sluice gates cleared, "I didn't know you could do that with marmite and a dish cloth...I usually use Swarfega."

But not everyone was angered by the blunder. Doctor Balai said he was "delighted" about the fact that one of his patients who'd just passed away in the waiting room came back to life when he heard the film's soundtrack. Somerton Town Football Club's goal keeper was also said to be "over the moon" with what he'd seen and asked staff on the Dispensary to cancel his Viagra order.

An internal inquiry's been launched and a surgery spokesman said anybody who missed the broadcast can catch up on the NHSi-player by entering 'Banging Chapel' in the search box.


One of the few who didn't see the offensive material at Langport Surgery was Doctor Talk (above) who says he was "too busy" in his consultation room on his SatNav looking for Burrow Mump and Brent Knoll.



Friday, 20 November 2015

Catch me if you can...



Waiting staff on rollerskates at The Wharf?

Managers at The Kitchen at The Wharf cafe bar and restaurant on the river are refusing to confirm or deny rumours that their waiting staff will be on rollerskates from next week.

"Well we had a few rehearsals last month" said one of them on the phone as he caught the bus to Taunton earlier this week (above), "and they didn't go too well...one of our waitresses ended up in Chubby's when we'd only sent her to table 4 with a plate of jellied eels. Another was found with her hips wedged into the back of one of Dave's Juke Boxes at his workshop on Bow Street. She spent 9 hours in surgery at Musgrove Park Hospital having a 7-inch single removed."


But the Governor at nearby Langport Prison (above) said he was concerned the sight of waiting staff darting about on wheels outside might give his inmates ideas about how to dodge security and get back to The Royal Oak in Somerton.

"We've had to put up extra wooden cladding and panels over our building's windows and doors to block the view" he said, although he withdraw that statement when we reminded him how that was done when the development first went up years ago.
"Oh yes" said the Governor, "I remember now - we got a job lot at Travis Perkins but they only had one tin of Cuprinol left."
There are no further details at present but if you'd like to comment on The Kitchen's plans to put staff on rollerskates, you can e-mail:

werethoseyourcrumpetsormine@hotmail.com

Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Midweek Bulletin

Huish Episcopi residents say they fear the growing Bartlett's Elm development and the recent re-opening of the Kelways Inn may be affecting traffic at the nearby village roundabout...


Langport Freemasons unveil their 2015 Christmas card...




 ...as British Gas reveals its new Somerset fleet of cars...


 


...and a Langport toddler wins his playgroup spelling competition but is later arrested while shopping with his father at Debenhams...

 


Log in again soon! Reading via Facebook? Don't forget you can visit the main blog site, click below...


With thanks to photographer James Thurtle.

Saturday, 14 November 2015

UNITED WE STAND



What happened?



Mystery surrounds closing of town pub.

Mystery surrounds why a Somerton pub has been abruptly closed down. Working class customers hoping to get into The Globe were left stranded when they turned up for their pints of mild last weekend and forced to go into the neighbouring White Hart and drink Babyshams.

There are unconfirmed rumours that the brewery asked the landlord to "spend more time with his family" and that a Huish Episcopi man who may have other pubs has taken on the lease. He, we believe, is re-opening the premises next week. There are no further details at the moment and, in the meantime, any of the pub's drinkers looking to go further afield for their favourite tipple are asked to try establishments in Street rather than make the dangerous journey to Langport.


Little is known about the new manager of the Somerton pub, not even his name...



carryonlangport.blogspot.com

Editor's note - Carry On Langport's Facebook link appears to have failed over the last few days. It may mean that those readers who catch up via Facebook have to click 'like' and/or 'share' again to reactivate the system. Remember the main blog site is carryonlangport.blogspot.com which makes for a more comprehensive read, the Facebook system often puts the pictures in the wrong places so by clicking on my links you can get a better look. Either way, many thanks and Carry On Reading!

Friday, 13 November 2015

Clangport Clock...

 
 
'No expense spared' as council announces clock clean-up

Langport Town Council has announced what's being described as 'the first phase' of work to give our unofficial town emblem a long-awaited clean up. We understand a man with a bucket of hot soapy water and a sponge is going up in a cherry picker to wash the clock on November 22nd. It's believed the operation may coincide with the putting up of the town hall Christmas lights and that it's just the first step in what may eventually prove to be a costly operation to repaint and repair its faces and casing.

"It shouldn't be too expensive" said a town councillor on the phone from her official home in Bow Street, "we've already been to WHSmith in Taunton and bought the transfers for the Roman numerals." She went on to add that anyone wanting to tell the time while the clean-up is underway should walk round to the library which has its own large time piece in its brickwork....but she said she preferred any Bridgwater residents visiting Langport to travel to Weymouth seafront and use that one.

carryonlangport.blogspot.com 

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

This weekend...

Staff at Muchelney Abbey unveil their Christmas tea towels and say they're "not finished yet" as they announce plans for another set for the new year...




...also in Muchelney, police storm the village pottery amid allegations of gross indecency...




...at Langport, the Town Council says it has "no idea" how its ground-breaking plan to clean the town clock later this month was leaked to the media...




...there've been riots in Somerton as one of the town's pubs shuts down...but we're not sure which one it is...




...CCTV footage has emerged from Langport's Bow Street of the early morning ladder thief who went on to steal the giant halloween skull from over the doorway at The Kelways Inn...




and Mary Coombes says plans to relocate her award winning Huish Episcopi business to her massage parlour in Castle Cary are nothing to do with the 'incident' earlier this year when there was a power surge in the 'trimming room'...



Log in again soon you lovely people!

carryonlangport.blogspot.com




Saturday, 7 November 2015

Crimewatch UK



We need your help...

The artist who displayed the halloween art works at The Kelways Inn for the big party last weekend isn't too happy. Part of his exhibition around the pub included a number of large and colourful papier mashe skulls. One of them was 'borrowed' last weekend by an over enthusiastic admirer and it hasn't been seen since. To put it mildly, it's buggered up the artist's next exhibition. Would anyone across the area who woke up with a large skull in the bed last Sunday morning please wipe it off and return it to Kelways ASAP...no questions asked.


Whilst on the subject of missing 'artefacts' (scrap metal) from around Langport and Huish, Scotland Yard says it's still investigating the weather vane that once crowned the spire on the All Saints Hall. Rumour has it, the gold-plated cockrel was taken down some years back to be renovated and never seen again. Carry On Langport mentioned this some months ago but we're still waiting for churchwardens and town councillors to check their garages in case it's been 'forgotten.' We've contacted a handful of former Langport politicians at their homes in Barbados but have received no replies as yet.

- and the third object we're looking for is...


The direction and distances sign that had been screwed on the pillar outside The Kitchen since the 1960s. It was once part of Langport's 'street furniture' and every kid in town knew that Weymouth was 49 miles away. There's disagreement over when exactly it disappeared but it was certainly there 15 years ago. Allegations that Joy's Taxis have got it on the wall in their control room have been denied. Joy told Carry On Langport that John Cook gave her a SatNav last Christmas and that she now knows where Drayton is. So who's got it?

Finally, to all those Huish Episcopi residents who still haven't found their beautiful purpose-built Victorian village hall - type in 'derelict Bow Street pub' on your SatNavs and you should be ok.

Sleep well....and don't have nightmares.



Friday, 6 November 2015

IN THE COURTS...

 

Pendra 'stable' after Guy Fawkes night assault

Langport Fish & Chip Shop owner Pendra Plaice is under police guard in Musgrove Park Hospital after she was found unconscious with a savaloy in her fishcake in one of her own deep fat friers at her premises in the carpark precinct on Thursday evening. Miss Plaice, above, said she couldn't remember anything about the incident. At a hearing at Yeovil Magistrates this morning a sausage in batter was remanded in custody until a later date.



Bow Street halloween prankster 'let off'

A former town councillor who dressed as a vicar, climbed the town hall and read the last rites to Langport Clock has been let off by a judge who said "Anyone would have done it." 75 year-old Chris Osborne, who can't be named for legal reasons, was arrested after mounting the Victorian monument last Saturday night.
But Judge Vera Botting - a local woman herself - told the jury she wouldn't accept a guilty verdict adding that even she wasn't sure anymore if it was twenty to nine, half past three or five to eleven.
Langport Town Council Leader Janet Seaton slammed Judge Botting's ruling, though, saying "most right-minded Liberal Democrats in their 50s living alone in oversized houses on Bow Street know full well that it's always Pimms O'clock."



Catherine Wheel 'horror' on Bow Street

Taunton Crown Court's been hearing how shoppers in Langport ran for cover last month as an out-of-control firework shot up several people's underwear on Bow Street. It's not known how the Catherine Wheel became ignited but eyewitnesses said they'd never seen so many pensioners run into Scrivens at the same time. The firework then darted round Post Office corner towards North Street where it's believed to have smashed a window at the White Lion. A Long Load firework display organiser is being questioned regarding what happened. The case has been adjourned until next Thursday morning at half past ten (that's four o'clock Langport time)


Sunday, 1 November 2015

Backbackers "horrified"

 

These two backbackers, who walked across moors from Aller to attend the halloween party at The Kelways Inn, say they were "horrified" as they arrived on the building's lawns last night and saw what was going on through the windows.
"It was like looking in on the set of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" said one of the men.
"Or one of Langport Stores' window displays" said the other, who woke up barricaded in the cupboard under the stairs in the Langport Arms this morning.

The party's live web feed was seen my millions online, including these friends watching in Croydon...


...and there are growing concerns for the landlady who hasn't been seen since she went for a nap on the pub's lawns at around 3 o'clock this morning...


Police say anyone who actually went to the party should "keep their heads down", change their Facebook status to 'pregnant' and live in a caravan down Frog Lane until at least next Easter.