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Sunday, 30 August 2015
Saturday, 29 August 2015
Fish attack at Surgery
Pensioner 'pulled head first' into aquarium.
An elderly woman's recovering after being pulled head first into the aquarium in the waiting room at Langport Surgery. It's believed an Angel Fish which hadn't been fed since July lunged at the 79 year-old as she argued with Doctor Balai over the correct spelling of haemorrhoids.
Eye-witnesses say after several seconds of frantic splashing, the woman - known locally as Dirty Gerty from Number 30 - emerged from the water with the fish flapping around in her underwear. "No change there then" muttered one of the on-lookers as he read the surgery's 1983 February copy of Reader's Digest for the 23rd time.
The creature had to be removed surgically by a member of staff from the nearby Pendra's fish and chip shop and is now being treated for clap at Heaven's Gate.
Speaking to reporters outside the surgery, the woman - who was also dragged into the River Parrett by a pike last summer - complained that if Doctor Balai had stopped trying to be a smart arse and just written 'pile cream' on her prescription then "none of this would've happened."
The creature had to be removed surgically by a member of staff from the nearby Pendra's fish and chip shop and is now being treated for clap at Heaven's Gate.
Speaking to reporters outside the surgery, the woman - who was also dragged into the River Parrett by a pike last summer - complained that if Doctor Balai had stopped trying to be a smart arse and just written 'pile cream' on her prescription then "none of this would've happened."
Gerty, who runs the brothel at the bottom of Priest Lane, said she'd been "traumatised" by the incident and added that in future she'd be getting her drugs from "that dodgy place on Cheapside". That'll be Boots then Gerty.
A spokeswoman at Langport Surgery denied rumours that Liz and Pete Nightingale and Doctor Gibson - none of whom have been seen for years - were killed by the same Angel Fish in 2009.
We need your vote!
'Langport trannies' at it again...
No sooner does the end of the summer holiday begin to rear its head...and the Transition Langport Group is at it again...and it's all good stuff. Known affectionately in the Western Gazette's classified ads as 'The Langport Trannies' (just under 'The Farmer Wants A Wife' section) - this time the group wants us to vote online to secure what could be as much as £40,000. The money would go towards paying for solar panels on the roof of the Ridgeway Hall. The hall's already been shortlisted and votes have to be in by the end of September. Go on - give them a hand - it'll keep them off my back.
There are unconfirmed reports that Langport's Town Clerk and the editor of Levelling Langport Magazine (above) are both secret members of the Transition Langport Group but nothing's been rectified.
To help Langport win the M&S Community Energy Fund grant - visit this website to cast your vote:
Friday, 28 August 2015
FAMINE - DISEASE - RIOTS
...as Langporters struggle to live on without fibre-optic broadband...
We send our condolences to the town of Langport - pictured above - which in the words of the Western Gazette is in 'anguish' as it waits for fibre-optic broadband to be connected to improve internet speeds. Is it? It sure is, in Western Gazette land anyway, over on page 3 we learn - to our horror - that residents are also 'in despair' over the issue.
Ok so here comes the rant...while we all agree that slow internet speeds are frustrating and can indeed affect your business...can we not reserve words like 'despair' and 'anguish' in newspaper headlines for more serious stories? Fatal accidents on the A303?...or further afield the huge loss of life at the Shoreham airshow? Or the tragedy of drowning immigrants in capsized boats in the Mediterranean?
We all often shout at our computers, smart phones and tablets when the internet is painfully slow...of course we do...but does it give us anguish? Are we in despair every time it happens? The Gazette is an award-winning paper and deservedly so, but come on get a grip. We've all lived with slow (or no) internet speed round here for years...but nobody's ever died have they. Come on Guts Ache...let's have a bit of perspective.
(Rant over...normal service resumed in a few moments)
Above: Somerton, where households and businesses already benefit from fibre-optic broadband.
Wednesday, 26 August 2015
Midweek Bulletin...
The manager of Langport's Chinese takeaway comes out in support of the Town Council's plan for solar panels on the Ridgeway Hall...and admits he's been "doing his wife's spring rolls" with solar for years...
Landlord and Landlady of The Kelways Inn 'up against it' as jobsworths at South Somerset District Council order them to get rid of the Aga in the bar because the flue on the outside wall "doesn't fit in"...
Home and business owners say they're "not at all concerned" about the annual end-of-summer Labour Party knees-up at Coombe near Langport this Sunday...
Sunday, 23 August 2015
Fosters News
End of an era as owners weigh out a bag of jelly babies for the last time...
Just a quick note to say that after clocking up an impressive 22 years behind the counter, Sue and Tony at Fosters News on Bow Street are handing the business over to a new family.
A flier announcing the news went out in the latest edition of the Western Gazette in which the couple, pictured above after selling their 1000th kilo of jelly babies last summer, reveal that Rimpal and Jignesh Patel are taking over from September 1st.
Happy Retirement Sue and Tony, now you can start partying after getting up at stupid o'clock for two decades to sort the papers - and good luck Rimpal and Jignesh...we're a strange lot round 'ere mind. Can we recommend the book 'How to understand a farmer in 10 easy steps' ? Langport Library probably has a copy - it's got a very good clock built into its roof too...
Tony selling The Western Gazette on Bow Street back in 1993.
Saturday, 22 August 2015
Turned out nice again!
Torrential rain and lightning storms hit Langport.
Langporters and Huish residents have been running for cover today as downpours and thunder storms hit the area. There've been reports of at least two lightning strikes causing minor damage to a number of properties. But Bow Street residents denied The Angel had been hit with one woman saying the building had "always looked like that" and reports of screaming coming from the massage parlour at Mary Coombes were also said to be inaccurate. "That happens there most Saturdays anyway" said a Portland Road resident.
Over at Eli's, a power surge caused 3 orange lightbulbs on the outside guttering to spring into life while inside the pub it was alleged the lightning cut the juke box out before it had played a pound's worth of songs - Landlord Steve Pittard said he was "delighted". Reports that Langport Clock had been struck were also denied, "it's always looked like that" said the town council clerk - as he tried to work out if it was twenty to eleven or half past three.
The manager at Portcullis House old people's home, above, said the rough weather had ruined her weekend and she's had to cancel her residents' game of British Bulldog this afternoon.
But it's not all been bad news: Vicar Jess Pitman says she got her broken laptop working again after connecting it up to the lightning conductor on the tower at St Mary's. "At last I can get back on Facebook" she told us - as she changed her status to 'defrocked', put her gardening clothes on and went out to fertilize her hollyhocks.
Friday, 21 August 2015
Crikey - he's serious!
Langport Ferry Service wasn't a joke...
Despite claims that a recent report on Carry On Langport wasn't accurate (an absurd accusation) we are delighted to see that the latest edition of The Western Gazette has followed our lead in reporting that Town Councillor Ian McNab has launched a ferry boat on the River Parrett. For legal reasons we can't yet say that it's moored near Stuckey's Island and neither are we allowed to reveal that it'll soon be bringing in immigrant families from Bridgwater. What we can print is that Councillor McNab is pictured on the Gazette's front page and again on page 7 proudly showing off his vessel to special guests Julian and Matilda Temperley.
The Temperleys - above - said they were "delighted" with their ferry trip but "rather concerned" that Councillor McNab fell into a thistle bed on the river bank at The Wharf three times before managing to moor up.
Despite his injuries, Mr McNab (above) said he would "Carry On Sailing" and is already planning phase two of his project to put Langport on the tourist map: an amusement arcade on a pier at Black Bridge. Nice one Ian.
Wednesday, 19 August 2015
Midweek Bulletin
Huish Academy pupils 'say their prayers' ahead of GSCE results due out tomorrow (Thurs)...
Last weekend's wedding and birthday parties on Langport Moor keep Town Council Leader Janet Seaton up for two nights in a row...
...but Huish Parish Council's vice-chairman Graham Lock didn't mind...he smuggled himself in as one of the bridesmaids...
...this Langport couple say they're "not impressed" as Portcullis House cancels Sunday afternoon leap frog for the second time this month...
...there are unconfirmed reports that Langport yachtsman Ed Lister, missing in the Pacific since July, has been eaten by a mermaid...
...and Heaven's Gate says its dog show at the weekend was a major success and passed off "without incident"...
LOG IN AGAIN SOON!
Sunday, 16 August 2015
LONG SUTTON
Class war breaks out.
There are fresh allegations in Long Sutton today that The Devonshire Arms has again been serving working class customers. Two Lords, a Countess and a Duke claim that while they were whipping each other with courgettes in the restaurant on Friday night - a plumber, a plasterer and a van driver were seen buying pints of Carling Black Label in the bar area. The trio are also accused of mentioning 'Langport', talking about reality television and not holding their little fingers out as they drank their pints.
"I think it's a disgrace" said one local woman, as she left her Sutton holiday home empty for the fourth time this month and headed back to Cambridge.
These diners said they were "disgusted" when the plasterer mentioned that he'd just done someone's downstairs toilet in High Ham.
There are no further details at present but anyone who thinks they've seen working class people attempting to enter the Devonshire should e-mail details to: letsgetanotherpony@hotmail.com
Chris Osborne
A fitting tribute...
Hats off to Levelling Langport magazine which in its latest edition has paid a much-deserved and fitting tribute to Langport Town Councillor Chris Osborne who's resigned after 43 years. The councillor's departure has triggered a local election for his seat which will take place on September 17th. Nomination forms for those standing have to be in by the 20th of this month.
Langport was indeed a very different place when Chris was first elected in the early 70s. The One Stop was called 'VG', Studio 70s was the place to get photographs developed, Cyril Head or Nigel Gratton repaired your TV, we had the most inaccessible doctor's surgery in England: halfway up Langport Hill with pensioners often slipping over and expiring before they even got to the door. There've been other changes too. In the 70s teachers at all local schools could legally hit your children and often did so, the school dentist looked and acted like a Nazi war criminal, there was a police station, we had clean red phone boxes dotted around, you could actually see the numbers on Langport Clock, what's now the ABP abbatoir at Huish was then known as Jotchams and regularly stank the entire place out and...there was also a cool guy racing around in a blue mini van fixing your electrics. Oh for the 70s.
We wish you a happy retirment from council life Mr Osborne and wonder whether some of the current shower on 2015's council will stick at it as long as you did.
Councillor Osborne campaiging on Cocklemoor in 1957, when he told Langporters they'd "never had it so good".
Saturday, 15 August 2015
DOG SHOW
Crowds expected at Heaven's Gate.
Crowds are expected at the Heaven's gate animal sanctuary tomorrow for its annual dog show. Last year's winners (pictured above) - The Mayor of Chard and 'Bruiser' - will be special guests at the event, which begins at 11am.
Despite winning second prize last year, this Basset Hound from The Halfway House at Pitney won't be attending this year after being attacked with a butcher's knife while licking a customer's pork chops in Scrivens on Bow Street earlier this week.
Jailbird at Langport
Blog editor 'charged'
It's been confirmed in the last hour that the Editor of the Carry On Langport blog spent a night in the cells at Langport prison earlier this month. The 35 year-old, pictured, has been charged with public disorder after attempting to sing several Cilla Black songs at The Kelways Inn last weekend - causing a number of customers to gag on their pizzas.
The Editor, charged under his stage name of Walter Bagehot, asked for several other offences to be taken into consideration including spending the night under a table in the men's kitchen at Eli's on new year's eve 15 years ago, singing 'I am Sailing' out of key with his brother at The Langport Arms 3 years ago and offending several hundred people at The Lowland Games last year.
The Editor, charged under his stage name of Walter Bagehot, asked for several other offences to be taken into consideration including spending the night under a table in the men's kitchen at Eli's on new year's eve 15 years ago, singing 'I am Sailing' out of key with his brother at The Langport Arms 3 years ago and offending several hundred people at The Lowland Games last year.
Sir Walter also admitted mooning on the roof of Natwest in Bow Street on a summer's night in 1997.
Langport Prison, where the blogger spent a night in the cells last Saturday.
Friday, 14 August 2015
Chaos at Hanging Chapel...
...as Eli's sells out of pickled onions...
This was the scene on the Langport-Huish Episcopi border earlier this week as an emergency delivery of pickled onions on its way to the nearby Rose and Crown got stuck inside The Hanging Chapel. It caused traffic chaos in the two parishes and several illegal immigrants hiding in the back of the lorry could only escape by getting up through a 'secret trap door' in the ceiling of the archway. They reportedly climbed out into the middle of a Freemasons meeting and haven't been seen since. For the full story, see this week's Somerton and Langport edition of The award-winning Western Gazette.
Wednesday, 12 August 2015
Coming Soon...
The fruit and veg man's disappeared, the half-finished rowing boat has vanished...now its Kelways' turn as its new plant market opens up under the clock this week...
TECHNICAL FAULT - wrong picture - this is in fact an archive photograph of inside the town hall roof in 1988 - apologies.
Meanwhile, Heaven's Gate animal sanctuary near High Ham gears up for its big dog show this weekend...staff say the "filthy strays" are almost done...
Two local hippies are seen fleeing their home in Wagg Drove as they get their first council tax bill in 28 years...
The Landlady of The Kelways Inn, below left with her mother, eagerly awaits the results of the Pub Pizza of the Year Awards 2015...
and staying with Kelways...there are unconfirmed reports the man arrested at the pub last weekend for attempting to sing 'Alfie' as a tribute to Cilla Black was in fact Carry On Langport Editor...Sir Walter Bagehot...
LOG IN AGAIN SOON!
ENGINEERING WORKS
Blame the Commodore 64 - not me!
We understand a number of Carry On Langport readers aren't getting their updates anymore. Here at the newsroom (Eli's) we've turned our Commodore 64 off and on again to see if that helped but all it did was cause another power surge at the nearby massage parlour in Huish where several members of staff from Romford Meats were seen running down the road screaming this morning.
All we can advise is that you click the follow/like options again on Facebook to refresh the links but we also highly recommend scrolling to the bottom of the blog's main web page - carryonlangport.blogspot.com - and entering your e-mail address in the box to get updates. If you've done this already then maybe try it again to reactivate the order. If that doesn't work then you'll have to blame my old Commodore 64 - not me!
Sunday, 9 August 2015
Flower Show Brawl
Two Church Wardens Arrested at Curry Rivel.
A fight erupted at Curry Rivel Flower Show yesterday over exactly who smuggled this cucumber into the vicar's greenhouse over the summer. Eye-witnesses say everything was going well until shouting at the top table broke out among judges as they debated how the vicar had managed to grow "such a beauty." Then two church wardens waded in and were subsequently arrested.
"I think it's disgusting" said a local woman, as she grabbed two Victoria Sponges from the cake stand without paying and fled back to Chatham Place.
Flower Show organisers say anyone with any information on the vicar's controversial entry should e-mail
howdidhegetituphiscassock@hotmail.com
Langport Town Council Leader Janet Seaton's roses were also disqualified when it emerged she'd picked them the night before from fellow councillor Julia Gadd's garden on 'Upper Bow Street'.
Saturday, 8 August 2015
By popular demand...
A selection of letters (mainly e-mails) to the Editor.
We strive to publish all correspondence with Carry On Langport but will refuse to print anything abusive or threatening.
______________________________
Dear Sir,
I would like to complain in the strongest terms about a recent article entitled 'Hangover Landlord?' in which the landlord's birthday bash at the Halfway House was reported. Your story showed a picture of a man asleep on a toilet and claimed it was said Landlord.
Anyone who knows Mark Phillips knows very well that when he gets absolutely smashed he sleeps in the kitchen sink or in the sandpit in the gardens...and besides...it's Andy who sleeps on that toilet....nobody in our family.
Yours,
Clare Phillips (Landlady)
*************************
Editor,
You're pushing your luck boyo.
Yours,
Grandmaster of Freemasons Lodge, Langport
**************************
Dear Editor,
Please ignore any grumbles and rumbles you hear from Langport Freemasons. We masons' wives are loving your blog and wish you to 'Carry on Writing'!
Yours,
Wife of Grandmaster of Freemasons Lodge, Langport.
**************************
Some weeks ago you rather rudely reported that 'Busy Bodies' were needed to wear bright coloured bibs and point hair-dryers at oncoming traffic in villages around Somerset as part of the speedwatch campaign.
My elderly sister and I have been volunteering to catch speeding drivers in Ash near Martock for several months....and can I point out that we DO NOT use a hair-dryer. Anyone with eyes can see our device is in fact a 1960s vibrator, which we found in the cistern at The Devonshire Arms last summer.
Yours,
Rose E. Cheeks & May B. Grinning.
***************************
Dear Editor,
Lovin the 'Dame Shirley' stuff! Keep'em comin dude!
Yours,
Leader of Huish Episcopi Parish Council, Shirley Nicholas.
*********************
The Editor,
Please could you report that, following The Langport Arms Motel's decision to remove 'Death by Chocolate' from its dessert menu, that we will be taking legal action against the establishment.
Yours,
The Euthanasia Society.
*************************
Carry On Langport bloke,
Mention me again and you'll find that town clock you're so fond of wedged right up your arse mate.
Name and address supplied.
*************************
Dear blogger,
Nobody over here really gets any of the jokes but we like the pictures mate!
Yours,
The Mayor of Chard
***************************
Dear Editor,
We don't even get the pictures.
Yours,
The Mayor of Bridgwater.
Wednesday, 5 August 2015
Top stories this week...
Teachers argue at Huish Academy over who took home the Year 7 Sex Education Manual over the summer...
Cracknells Poultry Farm says its 'summer experiments' are going well...
Somerton Police Station claims latest government cutbacks "won't affect performance"...
the manageress of La Fleure in Langport admits she's been selling the Freemasons 'dodgy' shoe horns since 1956...
...and there've been more complaints about the showers at The Langport Arms Motel...
MORE STORIES AT THE WEEKEND!
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