Resolutions for 2016

 

This New Year's Eve, we share the New Year's plans and resolutions of the Leader of Huish Episcopi Parish Council Dame Shirley Nicholas, who has kindly e-mailed us her list:

• Try to keep off the gin until after committee meetings have finished
• Keep your wits about you - Langport Town Council could launch another 'merger' attack at any moment.
•  Keep an eye on Janet Seaton, some political cock up means she's got a seat on Langport and Huish. Is she one of us or one of them? 
• Pay off my tab at Eli's.
• Pay off my tab at the Halfway House
• Start a tab at Kelways.
• Submit planning application for toll gate and check point at Hanging Chapel.

• Have a few words with that Pibsbury farmer and his wife about those Christmas lights.
• Sort out how I'm gonna get to Mary's over at Castle Cary when she closes the massage parlour at Huish.
• try to get my deputy Graham Lock to stop putting pub steaks on his expenses.
• See if I can get the vicar to bring the cider right up to the back door, not just leave it at the gate.
• and launch phase one of the plan to squat at our old church hall opposite St Mary's: start the tunnel.

"Many thanks and a happy new year to one and all!"

Thank you Dame Shirley.

- and for those of you who missed it, Carry On Langport's Christmas Day speech this year came from the above mentioned leader of Langport Town Council Janet Seaton.

Here's the link:

http://carryonlangport.blogspot.co.uk/2015/12/the-queen.html 

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Council unveils new 'welcome' sign

There are no further details at present.

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Langport Surgery Award

MBE for practice manager.

The manager at Langport Surgery says she's "honoured" to have been awarded an MBE by Her Majesty The Queen. Sarah Poyntz-Wright, pictured, has been recognised for recent changes at the doctor's including the introduction of the after hours cinema two nights a week on the giant screens around the walls of the waiting room.

"It was only when my reception staff kept accidentally transferring their dirty movies to the waiting room screens that I got the idea" said Miss Poyntz-Left, "and since we showed 'Saving Ryan's Privates' 3 weeks ago it's gone from strength to strength."

But Miss Points-West, speaking from Treatment Room A,  rejected claims her dispensary staff had been putting ketamine in the popcorn, "No, no, no" she said, "it's out-of-date viagra" as she removed another Yule Log from an Eastover resident.

The landlords at The Langport Arms Motel (above) have congratulated Miss Turn-Right on her MBE and told Carry On Langport they were "delighted" with their new seating arrangements on film nights at the surgery.

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Testing testing 1-2-3

 

Engineering works - please do not adjust your Christmas Tree...

EXPLOSION OVER LANGPORT

 

Church Tower Damaged.

 

Air traffic control at RNAS Yeovilton has confirmed a 'large moving object' hit Langport Church Tower at around 3am on Christmas morning. Several people on The Hill reported hearing the bells clanging and then a huge explosion.

One local woman, who says she was 'working' in Priest Lane at the time, claims she heard a man's voice shouting "Higher you bloody stupid animals! Higher!" just before the incident.

As people rushed out to see what had happened, they found thousands of pieces of debris in their gardens...and the celebrations began:

"I found 9 X-Boxes, 32 hoverboards and a crate of Apple i-pads in my vegetable patch" said a woman in Bush Place. Even Mr and Mrs Webb at the top of The Hill were all smiles,

"We got 15 bottles of Port and a brand new Dyson, " said Mrs Webb, "For once we'll be able to do the carpets at the properties we rent out on Bow Street."

But not everyone was happy. The only thing this little girl could find was Michael Buble's Christmas album on her parents' compost heap.

Avon and Somerset Police say whoever crashed into the church tower could have been drinking.

"We found sleigh runner marks in the mud at Eli's carpark" said DCI Doug Jones.

Police also think this animal may have something to do with what happened, it was spotted hitch-hiking up Muchelney Straight at around 9am on Christmas Day.

(With thanks to photographer Martin Hesp)

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THE QUEEN

 

 

You're tuned to Carry On Langport and it's 3 o'clock - just in from The Town Hall - we are now honoured to publish Langport Town Council Leader Janet Seaton's Christmas Day speech.

"For me...this year has been an eventful one. One minute I was plodding along quite nicely as a backbencher on your council and then, out of the blue, there was what I believe our white flag waving friends across the channel call a "coup d'etat" (here in Britain we might call it "an abdication") and I was suddenly thrown into the limelight. 

And what a few months it's been! Suddenly I have my own column in the Western Gazette, an official residence in the attic at the town hall and my own 24-hour access to the toilets in the town square. Talking of which - who is this Emma Swallows? I've never met the girl but her name seems to be all over the walls in there.

My to-do list for Langport is a lengthy one but I believe I have the support of my ministers and you for what I hope to achieve. You will appreciate I'm sure that it's not easy to have people killed...but as soon as it is physically possible I shall have something done about that awful woodwork on the windows at the house opposite the old Black Swan and likewise for the old video library and hair salon at Peony Valley (with the help of my colleagues through the chapel on Huish Episcopi Parish Council)

Businesses come and go - we are delighted to see the success of the 'new' Kelways Inn and also pleased to see that Boilertec has stopped slowly moving towards Somerton.

We wish NatWest all the best in its efforts to install camping gas sensors at its cashpoint and we are over the moon to see the continued success of 'staff training' at Tesco on Sunday nights (use the side door).

As for the state of the clock, until we get it sorted I am afraid you will have to get used to Langport's 2 different time zones (depending on which face you're looking at)

Finally, try not to be too concerned about my Prime Minister Cara Naden. Councillor Naden, well known for her dodgy dealings with the extremist group Greenpeace, can get carried away with some of her ideas. So until we somehow learn to control her, I'm afraid we all may just have to put up with her plan to re-introduce the Dodo Bird to Langport Moor.

In the meantime, I certainly intend to have a jolly good time this Christmas. Last night I was playing poker with the Freemasons up the Hanging Chapel til about 4 this morning. Today, after this speech, my family and I will be up ladders outside the Town Hall playing our annual drinking game: Pin the hands on the clock face. 

Wherever you are and whatever you're doing today...I wish you all a happy Christmas and a prosperous and healthy new year...even if you live in Somerton."

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MORE PANIC BUYING

 

"Unexpected riot in bagging area"

Reports are coming in of riots, arrests, injuries and shoplifting at Langport Tesco this morning as it dawns on hundreds of people in the area that the supermarket won't actually be open tomorrow. 

SHOCK HORROR!

"I was embalming someone in the shed when I heard about the closure, I dropped everything and fled here as soon as I could" said the Undertaker in Bow Street, "I'd be lost without my stuffing."

Environment Agency staff were seen loading their 'bags for life' with Everyday Value Christmas Puddings, "They're for the flood defences at Burrowbridge" said one of them as she paid £9.99 for 200.

Paramedics were called to the bakery aisle where two Curry Rivel women fighting over the last Yule Log had to be seperated with vaseline.

 

- and this was the scene just after half past nine this morning when a family from Garden City realised there was only one tub of double cream left. 

Carry On Langport can't report whether the store is open on Boxing Day, as the editor hasn't been down and looked at the sign yet.

Merry Christmas one and all.  

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Christmas card 'blunder'

Town Council Apologizes.

Langport Town Council has apologized after it accidentally sent out 'the wrong Christmas cards' to at least 200 businesses and individuals across Langport and Huish Episcopi.

The above image plus the one below were also accidentally e-mailed to the surgery where they were mistakenly transferred to the large screens in the waiting room.

Several pensioners, at the surgery to get their pacemakers adjusted, suddenly made instant recoveries but asked if they could "come back again soon anyway" even if they weren't ill. Two women in the dispensary were later found unconscious slumped over a crate of out-of-date viagra.

A spokesman for the council issued an apology and blamed an "admin error" on what had happened.

But several businesses across Langport and Huish said they weren't offended by the greetings cards. "I wish they'd have admin errors more often" said one man, "it's the biggest surprise I've had through my letter box in years."

An inquiry's underway.

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Panic buying

...last posting day for Bridgwater...

There's been a mad rush for stamps at Langport Post Office this morning as locals rush to get their cards in the post for friends and family in Bridgwater before Police seal the town off for Christmas.

"We can deliver until about 5 o'clock this afternoon but after that there's no way we'll get our vans through the barricades at Westonzoyland" said a Royal Mail spokesman.
 

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Any Brussels Landlord?

 

Christmas dinner mystery at Babcary.

Customers celebrating their works Christmas dinner at The Red Lion at Babcary were mystified at the weekend to be served brussel sprout peelings with their meal...and the actual brussels were nowhere to be seen. "I looked under the spuds - no sign of them - I double checked under the stuffing - nothing" said one of them.

Sources at Babcary claim someone in the kitchen at the award-winning pub was possibly trying some 'nouvelle cuisine' for the festive meal but many customers were left dazed and confused.

Not everyone was against the move though. "Marvellous idea" said the father of a refugee family from Albania. "We've already decided to come back on Christmas Day and have ordered potato peelings, gravy granules and minceless mince pies."

There are no further details at present.

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Carry Out Langport...

Never too old to party...

In response to several requests from readers, we are temporarily renaming the blog 'Carry Out Langport' in honour of our editor and his 'community service' at The Kelways Inn last night - and as a result of last night's festive celebrations, our sources at Amazon say snuff sales have gone through the roof in the Langport area today. Everyone's a winner.  

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Huish Church Tower

Local landmark 'reappears'

After at least 2 years in the shadows, the east face of the tower at St Mary's Church has had its floodlight repaired and is once again illuminated in all its glory shining down the road towards the Rose and Crown, Huish Episcopi and other hamlets and villages in that direction.

Until that side of the tower was plunged into darkness at night, it was often used as a popular navigation tool for local drunks leaving Eli's trying to get back up to Huish and Langport.

"My husband's been walking into the church wall on the corner, staggering across the churchyard and waking up in a woman's bed at St Mary's Park for nearly two years" said a woman from Bow Street, "thank the lord they've turned the tower light back on - now he can see what an ugly tart she is."

A micro-light pilot from Wick who regularly flies over the tower in the evenings said he was "relieved" it had once again been properly illuminated, "I know every inch of that bleedin' lightning conductor" he said, as he booked another endoscopy at Musgrove Park.

But not everyone's impressed by the switch-on which has been causing some late night confusion. This man said he thought the tower was a service station and accidentally reversed his vehicle into it last night.

Meanwhile, Huish Vicar Jess Pitman has admitted the floodlight went out two years ago when she dropped her hair straighteners in the font during a christening and caused a Huish-wide power surge...injuring 3 people at Romford Meats where a cattle-prod went off in a meat packer's drawers.

It's believed a number of other local landmarks may be floodlit at night in the near future including Langport Church Tower, the front face of the primary school and the side door at Tesco (Sunday nights only).

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Top Marks!

Public thumbs up to shop window displays in Langport.

Businesses up and down Langport are being applauded for the efforts they've made to spruce up their windows for the festive season. 

The Arms has gone for simple but effective...

Boilertec gives us the 'cosy living room' effect...

up the road at Langport Stores there's magic in the air...

Eustace & Arthur (old registry office) conjures up images of Christmas past...

but we're not quite sure about Chubby's...

Apologies to businesses whose window displays we didn't include, the pictures were taken at night and some of your lights were out!

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Briton blasts into space...

 

 

Is Langport resident next?

As the country looks on in pride at Briton Tim Peake's arrival on the international space station this week, questions are being asked about whether a Langport or Huish resident should one day be sent into space. We asked shoppers in the alcohol aisle at Tesco for their thoughts.

"One of my predecessors?" said Langport Town Council Leader Janet Seaton, as she stocked up on Port, "Maybe I'll make a few suggestions in my Christmas Day broadcast."

"I can think of plenty" interrupted the vicar, thrusting a list of PCC members into our reporter's hand.

"So can I" added Huish Episcopi Parish Council Leader Shirley Nicholas, smuggling a bottle of Gordon's into her 'bag for life'.

Meanwhile Major Peake, in a special satellite link with Carry On Langport, says he has already passed over Somerset a number of times and thinks he's spotted a handful of local landmarks.

 "I saw Arthur Daley's car lot next to Eli's" he said, "there was an unlicensed hot tub next door to the Hanging Chapel and those Christmas lights on the B&B at Pibsbury kept most of the crew awake all last night."

Major Peake also had a few complaints about his experience so far.

"I can't pick up The Archers" he said, "and these foreigners I'm working with keep putting the milk over the teabag before the hotwater."

God Save The Queen.

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TESCO PROBE

 

Shelf-stackers arrested.

Several people were injured this morning when what's being described as 'a rogue cucumber' started prodding shoppers at the end of the toiletries aisle at Langport Tesco. A number of those hurt had to be treated with Salad Cream...although 3 Kingsbury Episcopi residents refused help unless it was Mayonnaise.

It's the second time this month an 'out-of-place' cucumber has caused chaos at the store, just days ago one lunged at an Aller pensioner as she grabbed a packet of crumpets. The 68 year-old's still in hospital in Yeovil where she's told nurses she's "looking forward to Christmas" and that her husband can "cancel the stuffing."

2 shelf-stackers who work at Langport Tesco have been arrested in connection with the incidents and remanded in custody until a later date.

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COME ALL YE FAITHFUL

 

 ...even if you're not...

Planning your diary for this week? Got a bit of spare evening time? How about a festive sing-song? It's the carol service at Huish Episcopi on Wednesday...and you don't have to be a fully signed-up Christian to go along. According to The Church of England press office at Wells Cathedral "Everybody's welcome!"

"To be honest," said a spokesman, "the choir at St Mary's in Huish are usually so hungover most of December, the vicar there could do with all the help she can get."

Carry On Langport heartily agrees...and for those of you thinking "Humbug - no thanks not intertested" just a thought...how many of you have had your kids christened? Who's been to a church wedding or funeral? 

We all use the church now and then so maybe go and give it some support at Christmas eh. Even better, everyone piles down to the pub straight after for the after party...including the bellringers (in case you've got any complaints)

Even staff at Cracknells are getting in the Christmas spirit.

Go on give it a go, and when you get to the bit when everyone goes down on their knees (no, not Priest Lane - that's the first Sunday of the month) to pray and you don't want to...just close your eyes and double check you know where you're getting your veg from for the 25th.

Can't sing? So what, nor can half the church wardens. Go for it Scrooge or we'll send Jacob Marley to sort you out. (Or Chris Osborne if we can't get hold of Jacob) 

The carol service is on Wednesday and begins at 6.30pm.

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Somerton 'divided'

Town Council split over third runway.

The ongoing row over plans to build a third runway at Somerton Airport shows no signs of abating. Local councillors are said to be split on the issue, residents too.

Speaking from his official residence, on Portland, 'Del Boy' Kanvin said "Somerton really needs this, especially with more and more Chinese flying in to visit Clarkes Village."

But the bellringers weren't so sure, "Any new runway would mean the demolition of St Andrew's Church tower, which lies smack bang in the middle of the aircrafts' trajectories. Why can't they extend Pitney Airstrip instead?" said one of them.

We went to Overt Locke to ask staff there what they thought but there were so many of them we decided to come back another day when we've got more time.

But the White Hart was keen to have a say, "More flights would bring in a better class of customer" said the manager, "then we can send the Behind Berry lot to The Royal Oak and everybody's happy."

A full decision on a 3rd runway at the airpoirt - formerly known as The Edgar Hall - is expected to be made in 2050.

Extending Westonzoyland airstrip has also been ruled out after an 'incident' there earlier this year.

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Whatever next?!

Dodo Nesting Box in town centre.

As reported in the latest edition of the award-winning Western Gazette (page 6), Langport Town Council recently voted 4-3 in favour of a nesting box for Dodo birds just along from the town hall. South Somerset District Council is paying for its installation but it's the town - in other words local taxpayers - who will be paying for any electricity the birds use.

For those of us not familiar with dodos (and you soon will be apparently) then check out this link:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodo 

CORRECTION.

Apologies, as this went to print we checked the local paper again and realised it's a charging point for electric cars that's being put in at Langport, not a nesting box for dodos. Sorry.

 

An artist's impression of the centre of Langport in 2020.

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Late Night Shopping.

Village burglar "thrilled"

There's late night shopping throughout much of Langport this evening. Several businesses are hoping to attract shoppers with tastings, festive music and special offers.

Staff at the One Stop say they're "delighted" that it's one of the few nights of the year when the streets are so busy at the end of their shift that they don't have to walk home with a baseball bat up their jumper.

The village burglar at Huish Episcopi says he's hoping for a good night too, "I'm thrilled!" he said, "I usually get quite a lot done when they're all away late night shopping" he said, as he sold another four domestic cats to the Chinese takeaway in Martock. Local pikeys are also looking forward to everyone being away in Langport this evening. "It's one of our best nights of the year!" said one them, as he put another chainsaw on E-bay.

As well as many of Langport's shops and businesses, The Angel is throwing its doors open too this evening where a festive choir will be performing.

The town's late night Christmas shopping events kick off towards 5pm and wind up around 8. Don't forget your carrier bags.
 

In other news, some Langporters have reportedly been quite vocal about the town's festive efforts this year. The police say they've received at least 30 e-mails about a Christmas light installation at the Town Hall (above)...mostly from middle-aged women living on Bow Street who said they were "rather enjoying it"...even though it was the wrong way up.

(Photograph thanks to Mr Marks)

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Midweek Bulletin.

We get the first picture of the jobsworth who told the Kelways Inn to take down the flue for its new Aga...as the district council does a u-turn and says it can stay...
 

...massive swing to the left reported at Eli's amid reports the pub is subsiding...but the Labour member for Coombe South says he's delighted...(despite the noise)...

...pensioner rushed to hospital from Langport Tesco as she finds 'something nasty in the crumpet display'...

 

and staff at the Heaven's Gate charity say they "don't know what all the fuss is about" as they unveil their Christmas card for 2015...

...please give generously and log in again soon...just like Bambi...

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A LETTER TO SANTA...

 

From the people of Langport...

Dear Father Christmas,

We have tried to be good this year and hope you will have time to stop off and bring us a few presents on Christmas Eve.

We are quite easy to find. Just follow the railway line down from London on the way to Exeter and when you see a load of houses surrounded by boggy farmland with a church on the hill then you know you have got here.

(If you land in a place where every other house is a 'second home' and the local pub refuses to serve working-class customers...you've gone off course...that's Long Sutton...go back to the railway line and try again.)

You can probably land your sleigh on Langport's main street which is long and narrow. In fact, since our Christmas lights went up, at least 2 airliners have tried to land here too. It's quite popular. Whatever you do, don't touch down up the road at Huish near a place called Romford Meats. You might take off with less reindeer than you started with.

Here is a short list of what we'd like in our stockings this year...if that's ok.

1. A new town clock (just to keep the local blogger quiet)

2. Floodlights down Priest Lane (so the single mums can see what they're leaning against)

3. A new landlord and/or landlady at Lou Lou's.

4. Someone to rename Lou Lou's and call it The Black Swan again.

5. A checkpoint somewhere up near the Halfway House to stop too many Somerton people getting in and an electric fence just past the Drayton turning to keep the Curry lot out.

6. A new roof for the forecourt at Shires Garage

7. A tram service connecting Eli's, The Halfway House and The Kelways Inn.

8. A festive kick up the arse for 'that man' who owns the house opposite Lou Lou's boarded up since the Battle of Langport.

9. Some totty for all of us. Fresh talent is a bit rare down here on the moors and the gene pool is getting a bit shallow.

10. and finally Santa, could you move The Grange a bit closer to Langport? We are all getting a bit fed up with the walk.

Many thanks and Merry Christmas.

From all of us.

PS - Our friends at Huish also have a Christmas list. They want to know if they can have their church hall back, if Eli's can have some new lightbulbs outside on the top room guttering, if St Mary's Church can have some new bellringers (practice night is Wednesdays at 7.30) and if the farmer and his wife at that Bed and Breakfast in Pibsbury could possibly tone down their festive lights a bit this year...after last year's complaints from several people living in Martock.

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Weekend Headlines

Langport Vet tells Western Gazette "We're gonna need a bigger surgery"....

London Underground launches its 2015 Christmas timetable...

Concerns about Garden City residents prompt NHS to change signs at local GP Practice...

...and Mayoress of Bridgwater on night out at Eli's tells reporters she "still can't find the bar"...

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RAF bombs Bridgwater

 

Here we go again...

After a 12 hour debate at the town hall yesterday, Langport Town Council last night voted to bomb the Sydenham Estate in Bridgwater. By dawn today several aircraft had taken off from Pitney Airstrip and are believed to have attacked several ICC (inbreeding carnival club) targets in and around the town. Details are still coming in but Langport Town Council Leader Janet Seaton told the Commoners "it will be a long campaign".

Several anti-war demonstrators gathered outside Travis Perkins in Langport last night (above) where they also protested about how much the store charged them for the paint for their banners.

(Picture thanks to the award-winning Western Gazette)

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